So, I know I'm supposed to be writing the final review of the Twilight Saga, but it's taking a while so I thought I'd favor you with a humorous anecdote from life. Mine, specifically.
My creative processes need a little more discipline added to them. This fact was cemented in my mind after hour three of trying to write a short story due today last night. You, dear reader, may have some words about my grasp on the obvious, but I have to say: don't try to write a story the day before you have to hand it in. It's just a miserable experience.
Anyway I know that now.
Around ten all creative juices dried into acid. Around eleven the temptation to type "the last thing he saw was the barrel of a gun pointed at his head" was stronger than it ever has been in my life. Around twelve thirty I was done and disgusted (it's really quite extraordinary the amount of self-loathing one can muster during a creative endeavor. Just ask my sister).
Around one, I was dozing over the keyboard while trying to get the family printer to spit out twenty five copies. Cue noticing a huge typing error. Meagan cancels print job, fixes error, resumes printing. Cue black ink trickling to nil. Meagan cancels the print job, changes all text to blue instead of black, resumes printing. Cue printer printing at the speed of one page per five minutes.
You should be admiring my perseverance at this point--even though it had morphed into more of a one-track, zombie-like "Must get done....must get done..." compulsion. But eventually, the practical part of my mind concluded, "This is dumb." Meagan cancels print job for the final time, making satisfactory plans to print the rest out at school.
So of course, I need to bring a stapler to staple them all together before I hand them out, and logically I should check to make sure I have enough staplers because it would just be in keeping with the whole process if I got to school in the morning and discovered I was stuck with a stapleless stapler. Naturally this leads to prying open the forty-year-old stapler, and after finding satisfaction in the number of staples therein, wrestling the decrepit tool closed.
Protestingly it finally snapped shut, and the action was accompanied by a stranger sensation in my finger. Curiously, I glance down at the digit, only to be met with the sight of a staple in my finger.
Before you stop reading, dear reader, I will add that it didn't hook. A fortuitous circumstance. But I still found myself with an old metal staple dug a good half-inch into my finger at one-thirty in the morning. Through my fuzzy brain (that I'm pretty sure was trying to thrust me into an out-of-body experience), I stared at the skewered appendage blankly. Reason compelled me to remove it, which I did, and then immediately worked my frayed mind to think who I could talk to about the experience at this time of night.
How very telling.
After this, I put a band-aid on it, scraped up enough incredulity to spout some profanities (shameful of me; I'm glad everyone was asleep), and went to bed.
And this morning I typed up a completely different short story, that I despise slightly less, and am now minutes away from turning it in.
I'm not sure what's wrong with me, but something definitely is.
2.09.2010
The Twilight Experiment--Breaking Dawn, Chapters Somthing-End and The Final Review
Well, Breaking Dawn, while possessing a distinct dream-like quality (and I mean that in the literal sense of dreams, not the "never in my wildest dreams!" sense of dreams), is definitely not one of my dreams because even in my dreaming mind I would never deprive readers of a good, wholesome vampire showdown. Clearly I have wandered into the dreaming mind of someone else, because I would never subject myself to such a travesty. What I'm trying to say is this: there was no fight.
About twenty-four vampires aside from the Cullens assembled from all around the globe over a one month period, most with their own unique, kick-awesome power--Egyptian Benjamin controls the elements, Irish Maggie can tell when someone's lying, Amazon Zafrina can create visual illusions. The Twilight Dracula and his twin brother (called Vladimir and Stefan) who are a million years old came from Romania for the sole purpose of seeing the Volturi fall (ancient grudges, you know). Alice and Jasper disappear mysteriously, making them all think that Alice saw that if it came to a fight they would all die, but they all gear up for war anyway. Bella learns how to fight. Bella finds out her superpower is a concentrated version of the protection she had when she was a human--a shield against any vampire power that has to do with the mind.
(Side note: the reason Jasper's, and for that matter Alice's, powers worked on Bella was because they worked on her body, not her mind. So it actually wasn't a plothole, in the end; Smeyer merely took until the end of Eclipse to have anyone even ask about it. Not a plothole, just poor planning.)
Bella learns she can extend that shield to other people. Bella trains. They all train, and prepare, and plan, and gather.
And the Volturi come, in a force of about thirty vampires, and a crapload of other non-Volturi vampires to witness and spread the word afterwards (for the sake of the Volturi name, you see). And it's clear that the Volturi aren't truly concerned that the Cullens have broken the law about immortal children--even when they are able to convince them that Renesmee is half-human, they are obviously still looking for a reason simply to take the Cullens down. The Volturi are hoping to not only eliminate a powerful vampire coven that could pose a threat to them, but also to collect a few vampires to their side with extra-special powers, like Bella and Edward (yeah. Everybody wants them). They're about to come to massive blows over whether or not Renesmee should be allowed to live, since the Volturi say there's no way to predict how she'll turn out as she grows older, and she could expose them. Everything's nailbitingly tense.
And then wonderful Alice comes back with a one-hundred-and-fifty-year-old half-vampire, half-human boy who still looks about nineteen, and they prove that Renesmee will prove no threat, now or ever. And so the Volturi, intimidated by Bella's new power, and without an excuse to continue and keep their reputation untarnished. And so they leave.
Two chapters. Two entire, Stephenie Meyer-sized chapters of intense, suspenseful rising conflict, speeches and debates and waiting and more debating and subterfuge and deviousness. And it ends in: "Well, I guess we'll go home now. Toodle-loo!"
In case it hasn't penetrated, let me simplify the situation a bit: an army of evil vampires masquerading as judges and lawmen organize a force against the Cullens and their friends for the sole purpose of getting the talents that they covet and obliterating all others. And the Cullens just let them go. Words fail me.
Everyone goes home, Alice explains it was all part of the plan, the contingency plans Bella made to get Jacob and Renesmee far far away in case she died are totally unimportant, and all is right with the world. Bedward returns to their perfect fairy tale cottage with their perfect beautiful daughter to spend the night together not-sleeping. The end.
I wanted to throw the book. By God's providence I was in class, and thusly was prevented from having to spend money on a hardcover edition of the newest teenage craze in a moment of rash fury. This is how she decided she wanted the climax of climaxes to go? The series finale? The final act, the last word? Ten chapters of preparation, two chapters of rising suspense, three pages of climax, an unSmeyerly short chapter of wrap up, and the lights dim?
Did you have a stroke, Smeyer?!
The Final Review:
Breaking Dawn...I struggle to find words to express exactly what reading this book was like. Most of it was like a dream, as I've said before. Some of it was normal--pretty decent actually. The wedding (aside from being under-detailed from a girl's perspective) was good. The interim period between when Bella becomes a vampire and the actual climax starts was decent. So all in all, story-wise, there's about....maybe ten chapters I would say aren't a waste of time to read.
Unfortunately, the book itself is about seven-hundred pages.
As far as the writing goes, Smeyer did finally manage to crawl up to the level of what I would call "decent." Nothing extraordinary, but she's consistent and passable in Breaking Dawn. Her worst habits are still apparent, but not rampant. Looking purely at her writing, straight, leaving out creativity, plot-development, and character-development, I would put her on the same level in my estimation as Eoin Colfer, Rick Riordan, and Cinda Williams Chima.
The thing that separates them, though, is the the above-mentioned authors are in varying degrees worlds ahead of Smeyer in imagination.
So overall, the improvement in the writing doesn't manage to make of for the continued decline of creativity, artistry, and plot. I wouldn't recommend Breaking Dawn to anyone who doesn't want to be psychologically battered.
Next time: the Final Final Review/Airing of Grievances I Might Have Forgotten! Don't miss it--same Twilight time, same Twilight channel.
About twenty-four vampires aside from the Cullens assembled from all around the globe over a one month period, most with their own unique, kick-awesome power--Egyptian Benjamin controls the elements, Irish Maggie can tell when someone's lying, Amazon Zafrina can create visual illusions. The Twilight Dracula and his twin brother (called Vladimir and Stefan) who are a million years old came from Romania for the sole purpose of seeing the Volturi fall (ancient grudges, you know). Alice and Jasper disappear mysteriously, making them all think that Alice saw that if it came to a fight they would all die, but they all gear up for war anyway. Bella learns how to fight. Bella finds out her superpower is a concentrated version of the protection she had when she was a human--a shield against any vampire power that has to do with the mind.
(Side note: the reason Jasper's, and for that matter Alice's, powers worked on Bella was because they worked on her body, not her mind. So it actually wasn't a plothole, in the end; Smeyer merely took until the end of Eclipse to have anyone even ask about it. Not a plothole, just poor planning.)
Bella learns she can extend that shield to other people. Bella trains. They all train, and prepare, and plan, and gather.
And the Volturi come, in a force of about thirty vampires, and a crapload of other non-Volturi vampires to witness and spread the word afterwards (for the sake of the Volturi name, you see). And it's clear that the Volturi aren't truly concerned that the Cullens have broken the law about immortal children--even when they are able to convince them that Renesmee is half-human, they are obviously still looking for a reason simply to take the Cullens down. The Volturi are hoping to not only eliminate a powerful vampire coven that could pose a threat to them, but also to collect a few vampires to their side with extra-special powers, like Bella and Edward (yeah. Everybody wants them). They're about to come to massive blows over whether or not Renesmee should be allowed to live, since the Volturi say there's no way to predict how she'll turn out as she grows older, and she could expose them. Everything's nailbitingly tense.
And then wonderful Alice comes back with a one-hundred-and-fifty-year-old half-vampire, half-human boy who still looks about nineteen, and they prove that Renesmee will prove no threat, now or ever. And so the Volturi, intimidated by Bella's new power, and without an excuse to continue and keep their reputation untarnished. And so they leave.
Two chapters. Two entire, Stephenie Meyer-sized chapters of intense, suspenseful rising conflict, speeches and debates and waiting and more debating and subterfuge and deviousness. And it ends in: "Well, I guess we'll go home now. Toodle-loo!"
In case it hasn't penetrated, let me simplify the situation a bit: an army of evil vampires masquerading as judges and lawmen organize a force against the Cullens and their friends for the sole purpose of getting the talents that they covet and obliterating all others. And the Cullens just let them go. Words fail me.
Everyone goes home, Alice explains it was all part of the plan, the contingency plans Bella made to get Jacob and Renesmee far far away in case she died are totally unimportant, and all is right with the world. Bedward returns to their perfect fairy tale cottage with their perfect beautiful daughter to spend the night together not-sleeping. The end.
I wanted to throw the book. By God's providence I was in class, and thusly was prevented from having to spend money on a hardcover edition of the newest teenage craze in a moment of rash fury. This is how she decided she wanted the climax of climaxes to go? The series finale? The final act, the last word? Ten chapters of preparation, two chapters of rising suspense, three pages of climax, an unSmeyerly short chapter of wrap up, and the lights dim?
Did you have a stroke, Smeyer?!
The Final Review:
Breaking Dawn...I struggle to find words to express exactly what reading this book was like. Most of it was like a dream, as I've said before. Some of it was normal--pretty decent actually. The wedding (aside from being under-detailed from a girl's perspective) was good. The interim period between when Bella becomes a vampire and the actual climax starts was decent. So all in all, story-wise, there's about....maybe ten chapters I would say aren't a waste of time to read.
Unfortunately, the book itself is about seven-hundred pages.
As far as the writing goes, Smeyer did finally manage to crawl up to the level of what I would call "decent." Nothing extraordinary, but she's consistent and passable in Breaking Dawn. Her worst habits are still apparent, but not rampant. Looking purely at her writing, straight, leaving out creativity, plot-development, and character-development, I would put her on the same level in my estimation as Eoin Colfer, Rick Riordan, and Cinda Williams Chima.
The thing that separates them, though, is the the above-mentioned authors are in varying degrees worlds ahead of Smeyer in imagination.
So overall, the improvement in the writing doesn't manage to make of for the continued decline of creativity, artistry, and plot. I wouldn't recommend Breaking Dawn to anyone who doesn't want to be psychologically battered.
Next time: the Final Final Review/Airing of Grievances I Might Have Forgotten! Don't miss it--same Twilight time, same Twilight channel.
2.06.2010
The Twilight Experiment--Breaking Dawn, Chapters 16-Do you really care anymore? It's Bella's point of view again, okay
Dear reader, I have an actual viable scientific explanation for a minor aspect of the saga that has been bothering me for quite some time. Throughout all four books, every time Edward's face is anywhere near Bella's she can't help but mention something about his "sweet breath." The reasons for my vexation at these term was two-fold--number one, again, Bella, we understand, his breath smells real good, kindly stop reiterating; number two, nobody not even vampires (especially not vampires considering their diet and the fact that everything in their mouths, as with everything in their entire bodies, is totally static and therefor completely stagnant), has great smelling breath all the time. I would argue I've never met anyone who has great smelling breath--apart from breath mints and gum and toothpaste all within a four hour time window--at all.
But, due to a scientific discussion I listened to last night at CCF, I have come up with a plausible explanation. The subject was diabetes. I don't remember the entire process of how this happens, because it involves a lot of big words; however, as you might know, dear reader, when a diabetic is low on insulin (I believe), it means their body isn't absorbing the sugar therein, and therefor there's all this sugar floating around in your body. The result of this, if it gets to high levels, is that basically everything gets sugary--for example, your breath smells sweet.
So, Edward could have been on the brink of a diabetic coma right before he was bitten! It would explain everything!
Yes, I'm rolling my eyes, too.
The horror does not abate in Breaking Dawn until it reaches it's gory climax in the birth of the child. The only change is that Edward discovers he can hear the babies thoughts, finds out the baby loves Bella, and is finally Team Baby. Good job, Edward. It only took you almost the entire pregnancy to start acting remotely like a father. Jacob is super mad at everyone, but can't stay away from the house even though it causes him angst and pain for some mysterious reason. So for a chapter or two there's this stasis of everyone being on board with baby except Jacob, Jacob being all angsty, the vampires and the Nice Werewolves just generally getting along, and the Mean Werewolves keeping their distance and being very little part of the story anymore.
So naturally, while things are all peaceful, the placenta separates and the carnage resumes. The scene of the birthing is much better suited to a zombie film than a romance novel. I'll be suffering from psychological trauma for a long time I think. Suffice it to say there was blood enough to serve the most violent of anime fight scenes, and Bella basically gets ripped apart. The baby breaks her spine while it's freaking out because it's suffocating. She would have died a gurgling, horrific, painful, bloody death if Edward hadn't bit her.
Bella is a vampire now. And blissfully happy with her super strength, and her new vampire/werewolf family, and her still-freakishly growing daughter Renesmee. Renesmee Carlie, to combine Renee and Esme and Charlie and Carlisle. I believe that's the first that I've heard of anyone borrowing the tabloids celebrity-couple-naming technique to name they're child.
Whatever makes your cereal crackle, Bella.
Things did get a bit dodgy when she found out that Jacob had imprinted on her infant child during her interim dying period. But they shook hands and made up. Yes, Smeyer is at it again with the pedophilia. I don't really care if he'll only behave as the most devoted older brother ever until she's legal, cosmic betrothals to girls seventeen years younger than you is not on the level.
I'd like to address the particular issue of Bella fitting so very perfectly into her entirely new lifestyle. Upon first overview it seems pretty harmless--I mean, it's nice, isn't it, for someone to actually be happy in the life they've chosen for themselves. My issue is how Smeyer particularly emphasizes exactly how much better Bella's new life is from the old--she's very purposeful in making it clear that everything that wasn't quite perfect before is obliterated after Bella gets married and becomes a vampire. All complications in her and Edward's relationship are non-existent; she's no longer absurdly clumsy, but graceful, strong, and agile to the nth degree; she's inhumanly beautiful; she has her own personal stylist (because Alice loves dressing people); she has her own cottage that suits her taste exactly and doesn't have so much as a drippy faucet; she has a beautiful daughter, who's growing at the rate of about a year per month, and thusly isn't troubled by the messy child-rearing nuisances such as weaning, teething, sleep-schedules, training, potty-training, education, and the like; she's amazingly self-controlled for a new vampire and therefor is troubled very little by things like bloodlust and not knowing the extent of her own strength; and she even gets to keep Charlie as a part of her life. If you (I'm speaking, I think, mostly to my dear female readers specifically--or maybe just my female readers who think like me) took everything you ever wished for in your most disconsolate moments and wildest dreams--"Ugh, I have no idea what to wear. I wish I just had a personal stylist to make me look fabulous." "I can't explain myself right to anyone--I wish I could just be with someone who understood me perfectly." "If I could live anywhere, it would be Wendy's house in Peter Pan."--and actually got it, that would be Bella Cullen's life right now. In short, her life now is finally, literally perfect (from a general standpoint--I personally am looking forward to snotty noses and teaching my kid to read).
First of all, no one's life is anywhere close to that perfect. She has literally zero conflict in her life, no more tiny things to argue about, life is blissful and harmonious--the conflict that is arising (which I'll get to soon) is from a completely outside source.
Secondly, can we examine for a moment exactly what message Smeyer is sending her readers--primarily teenage girls, mind--through choosing to portray Bella's life this way? Let us delve into the psyche of your average Twilight fan (come now, don't be such a baby); we'll call her Mallory. Mallory is a fifteen-year-old, who loves Twilight because of the deeply personal way in which she relates to Bella Swan. They're both highschool students, and Bella goes through the same angsty problems that Mallory does; Mallory understands Bella. And finally, Bella's life is getting better, and her problems are fixed--by becoming a vampire. That's the message: if you're not content in your life right now, that's probably because you actually belong in a totally different life! What kind of message is that to feed Mallory?! And it's all veiled in this fluffy marshmallow dream of a perfect life surrounded by beautiful things and people who love you.
This is wrong.
Positive: there's a very cool, fascinating, macabre vampire history lesson in Breaking Dawn about a time in vampire history where there were what was called the immortal children. If you can't guess, that's a period of time where vampires were turning children, barely older than infants, into vampires (since vampires themselves can't reproduce). The problem was that since the immortal children didn't grow, they could never be taught to control themselves or their bloodlust, so there was a huge danger of vampire exposure. So the Volturi (you remember them--the vampire Mafia/Lawmen) wiped them all out, and forbade the making of immortal children ever again. And now, a vampire saw Reneesme from afar and thought she was an immortal child, so the Volturi are all coming--literally all--to wipe the Cullens out for being dirty lawbreakers. Dire straights indeed!
I've noticed the things I really like about Twilight are usually subplots or back stories involving vampires actually acting something like vampires--carnage and slaughter and turning children and being soulless and such.
Side note: it's officially confirmed that it's scientifically impossible for Bella and Edward to have reproduced. Normally I wouldn't quibble about science when it comes to the undead, but since Smeyer decided to bring science into her explanation I can only point out that her attempt to make realistic sense of the situation is neither realistic nor sensical.
But, due to a scientific discussion I listened to last night at CCF, I have come up with a plausible explanation. The subject was diabetes. I don't remember the entire process of how this happens, because it involves a lot of big words; however, as you might know, dear reader, when a diabetic is low on insulin (I believe), it means their body isn't absorbing the sugar therein, and therefor there's all this sugar floating around in your body. The result of this, if it gets to high levels, is that basically everything gets sugary--for example, your breath smells sweet.
So, Edward could have been on the brink of a diabetic coma right before he was bitten! It would explain everything!
Yes, I'm rolling my eyes, too.
The horror does not abate in Breaking Dawn until it reaches it's gory climax in the birth of the child. The only change is that Edward discovers he can hear the babies thoughts, finds out the baby loves Bella, and is finally Team Baby. Good job, Edward. It only took you almost the entire pregnancy to start acting remotely like a father. Jacob is super mad at everyone, but can't stay away from the house even though it causes him angst and pain for some mysterious reason. So for a chapter or two there's this stasis of everyone being on board with baby except Jacob, Jacob being all angsty, the vampires and the Nice Werewolves just generally getting along, and the Mean Werewolves keeping their distance and being very little part of the story anymore.
So naturally, while things are all peaceful, the placenta separates and the carnage resumes. The scene of the birthing is much better suited to a zombie film than a romance novel. I'll be suffering from psychological trauma for a long time I think. Suffice it to say there was blood enough to serve the most violent of anime fight scenes, and Bella basically gets ripped apart. The baby breaks her spine while it's freaking out because it's suffocating. She would have died a gurgling, horrific, painful, bloody death if Edward hadn't bit her.
Bella is a vampire now. And blissfully happy with her super strength, and her new vampire/werewolf family, and her still-freakishly growing daughter Renesmee. Renesmee Carlie, to combine Renee and Esme and Charlie and Carlisle. I believe that's the first that I've heard of anyone borrowing the tabloids celebrity-couple-naming technique to name they're child.
Whatever makes your cereal crackle, Bella.
Things did get a bit dodgy when she found out that Jacob had imprinted on her infant child during her interim dying period. But they shook hands and made up. Yes, Smeyer is at it again with the pedophilia. I don't really care if he'll only behave as the most devoted older brother ever until she's legal, cosmic betrothals to girls seventeen years younger than you is not on the level.
I'd like to address the particular issue of Bella fitting so very perfectly into her entirely new lifestyle. Upon first overview it seems pretty harmless--I mean, it's nice, isn't it, for someone to actually be happy in the life they've chosen for themselves. My issue is how Smeyer particularly emphasizes exactly how much better Bella's new life is from the old--she's very purposeful in making it clear that everything that wasn't quite perfect before is obliterated after Bella gets married and becomes a vampire. All complications in her and Edward's relationship are non-existent; she's no longer absurdly clumsy, but graceful, strong, and agile to the nth degree; she's inhumanly beautiful; she has her own personal stylist (because Alice loves dressing people); she has her own cottage that suits her taste exactly and doesn't have so much as a drippy faucet; she has a beautiful daughter, who's growing at the rate of about a year per month, and thusly isn't troubled by the messy child-rearing nuisances such as weaning, teething, sleep-schedules, training, potty-training, education, and the like; she's amazingly self-controlled for a new vampire and therefor is troubled very little by things like bloodlust and not knowing the extent of her own strength; and she even gets to keep Charlie as a part of her life. If you (I'm speaking, I think, mostly to my dear female readers specifically--or maybe just my female readers who think like me) took everything you ever wished for in your most disconsolate moments and wildest dreams--"Ugh, I have no idea what to wear. I wish I just had a personal stylist to make me look fabulous." "I can't explain myself right to anyone--I wish I could just be with someone who understood me perfectly." "If I could live anywhere, it would be Wendy's house in Peter Pan."--and actually got it, that would be Bella Cullen's life right now. In short, her life now is finally, literally perfect (from a general standpoint--I personally am looking forward to snotty noses and teaching my kid to read).
First of all, no one's life is anywhere close to that perfect. She has literally zero conflict in her life, no more tiny things to argue about, life is blissful and harmonious--the conflict that is arising (which I'll get to soon) is from a completely outside source.
Secondly, can we examine for a moment exactly what message Smeyer is sending her readers--primarily teenage girls, mind--through choosing to portray Bella's life this way? Let us delve into the psyche of your average Twilight fan (come now, don't be such a baby); we'll call her Mallory. Mallory is a fifteen-year-old, who loves Twilight because of the deeply personal way in which she relates to Bella Swan. They're both highschool students, and Bella goes through the same angsty problems that Mallory does; Mallory understands Bella. And finally, Bella's life is getting better, and her problems are fixed--by becoming a vampire. That's the message: if you're not content in your life right now, that's probably because you actually belong in a totally different life! What kind of message is that to feed Mallory?! And it's all veiled in this fluffy marshmallow dream of a perfect life surrounded by beautiful things and people who love you.
This is wrong.
Positive: there's a very cool, fascinating, macabre vampire history lesson in Breaking Dawn about a time in vampire history where there were what was called the immortal children. If you can't guess, that's a period of time where vampires were turning children, barely older than infants, into vampires (since vampires themselves can't reproduce). The problem was that since the immortal children didn't grow, they could never be taught to control themselves or their bloodlust, so there was a huge danger of vampire exposure. So the Volturi (you remember them--the vampire Mafia/Lawmen) wiped them all out, and forbade the making of immortal children ever again. And now, a vampire saw Reneesme from afar and thought she was an immortal child, so the Volturi are all coming--literally all--to wipe the Cullens out for being dirty lawbreakers. Dire straights indeed!
I've noticed the things I really like about Twilight are usually subplots or back stories involving vampires actually acting something like vampires--carnage and slaughter and turning children and being soulless and such.
Side note: it's officially confirmed that it's scientifically impossible for Bella and Edward to have reproduced. Normally I wouldn't quibble about science when it comes to the undead, but since Smeyer decided to bring science into her explanation I can only point out that her attempt to make realistic sense of the situation is neither realistic nor sensical.
2.01.2010
The Twilight Experiment--Breaking Dawn, Chapters 1-15
I'm going to have nightmares.
Someone, please, please tell me when the book in my hand transmorgaphied from part of a popular teenage vampire romance saga into a Gothic horror psychodrama. I have no idea how this happened. The wedding was fine. The wedding was normal. The wedding was Twilight: Bella being unutterably blase to the point where you wonder if she can actually have a soul and still be so apathetic about the fact that she's getting married; Bella realizing as she walks down the aisle (better late than never) that hm, wait, wedded bliss applies here; joy, glory flowers; Jacob--fight; off to our honeymoon!
And then of course, I felt deceived again, because though it's true that Smeyer doesn't actually write in-the-moment honeymoon activity descriptions, she is more-than relishing being as eloquent as possible with the before and after. Which is quite sufficient for me to wish I could un-read that. Also, Bedward honeymoon on the Cullens own private island. Really? My Suspension of Disbelief threw her hands up in despair and left to make herself a panini (yeah, my SOD has a panini maker and I don't. I'm jealous too.)
And yet...and yet...that now seems comparatively small after getting this far. Around the end of chapter 7 marks the entire world of Twilight turning on it's side (as if it wasn't hard enough to deal with right-side-up).
Bella is pregnant. I will overlook the fact that while I don't know a lot of biology, I'm pretty sure that since Edward is technically dead all his bodily human processes have completely halted (like his heart beating, etc.) and therefor really shouldn't...be able...to do that...
Anyway.
Bella figures out she's pregnant about two weeks or something after they first, ahem, conceive, and is already showing common pregnancy symptoms (morning sickness, cravings, tiredness) and a bump. So basically the baby's growing at a rate of like one week per day. By the end of a month Bella is heavily pregnant and dying because the baby is sucking the life out of her and making her body reject any and all nourishment--she's literally starving to death. To top if off the baby is so strong that she has bruises all over her belly, and at one point it breaks a rib.
Do you want to know what's really wrong? Edward's immediate reaction to learning Bella was pregnant, before he even knew Bella was in any real danger whatsoever, was as follows:
"'We're going to get that thing out of you...'"
That was his first thought upon hearing that he was going to have a child. And the thought doesn't change; not when Bella decides to keep the baby, not when he realizes how much it means to her, not ever. I know that the relationship between a husband and wife is a singular, exclusive, binding one, but it's not supposed to be to the exclusion of all other life.
And the solution to getting Bella to actually get nutrients: she has to drink human blood the Cullens had in case she got bad enough to need transfusions, because they figure out that's what the baby wants and the reason it won't let her take in anything else.
The whole situation is just disgusting and repulsive and wrong from every angle. On the one hand, Bella has a parasitical monster incubating inside her; on the other hand, it's a baby and the first thought on the majority of everyone's minds is to get rid of it. The only people on Bella's side are Esme, Carlisle (because Esme is), and Rosalie--and Rosalie only because she's always wanted babies, and since vampires can't conceive she's all set for Bella to kick the bucket and take the baby herself! Oh yes, and Edward convinces Jacob to offer to whore himself--basically tell her "If you want babies that much let me offer my services to give you a few totally healthy ones"--in an effort to once again try to get Bella to get rid of the baby. Which he does. Let us skip over the sick immorality of this idea, since it's just painfully obvious and really goes without saying; can you imagine what kind of a psychological impact that arrangement would have on the resulting children? "Yeah...I'm alive because my mom got rid of my older sibling, and my real dad's nonexistent 'cept for when Mom's feeling amorous, and my stand-in dad is totally apathetic to my existence because he only cares about my mom." That is just a lovely family arrangement, yes?
People, it's not just one life you have to consider here! Can we all stop taking crazy pills and consider that there are two people in danger at the moment?!
It's horrific. Terms like Rosemary's Baby and Hush come to mind. I'm pretty sure I saw an episode of Charmed like this once.
I literally feel like this is a dream I'm having whenever I read it. It's too weird.
Important developments in the plot: first person point-of-view switch from Bella to Jacob. It isn't that much more interesting in the kids head; just a lot of anger and angst and "Oh Bella, you're tearing me apart when you're not even here." The werewolf pack decides to take Bella and Baby out rather than risk the danger of it being born upon hearing of Bella's pregnancy (Jacob went to see her because he was afraid she'd already been turned, and found out the whole story), and Jacob is actually rational for once and splits off from the pack because he won't attack the Cullens unprovoked or kill Bella. Eventually Seth the Baby Werewolf and Leah the Unnecessary Werewolf join him. So now there's a split in the werewolf pack and the Nice Werewolves are patrolling around the Cullens' house to protect Bella from the Mean Werewolves.
Also Bella's getting better because of all the blood she's drinking.
The silver lining, I guess, is that there's a distinct pro-life message in the whole mess--however, I fervently wish that she'd picked a better medium for it. A worlds better medium. It's just so creepsauce. My hands a literally shaking from thinking about it...
Someone, please, please tell me when the book in my hand transmorgaphied from part of a popular teenage vampire romance saga into a Gothic horror psychodrama. I have no idea how this happened. The wedding was fine. The wedding was normal. The wedding was Twilight: Bella being unutterably blase to the point where you wonder if she can actually have a soul and still be so apathetic about the fact that she's getting married; Bella realizing as she walks down the aisle (better late than never) that hm, wait, wedded bliss applies here; joy, glory flowers; Jacob--fight; off to our honeymoon!
And then of course, I felt deceived again, because though it's true that Smeyer doesn't actually write in-the-moment honeymoon activity descriptions, she is more-than relishing being as eloquent as possible with the before and after. Which is quite sufficient for me to wish I could un-read that. Also, Bedward honeymoon on the Cullens own private island. Really? My Suspension of Disbelief threw her hands up in despair and left to make herself a panini (yeah, my SOD has a panini maker and I don't. I'm jealous too.)
And yet...and yet...that now seems comparatively small after getting this far. Around the end of chapter 7 marks the entire world of Twilight turning on it's side (as if it wasn't hard enough to deal with right-side-up).
Bella is pregnant. I will overlook the fact that while I don't know a lot of biology, I'm pretty sure that since Edward is technically dead all his bodily human processes have completely halted (like his heart beating, etc.) and therefor really shouldn't...be able...to do that...
Anyway.
Bella figures out she's pregnant about two weeks or something after they first, ahem, conceive, and is already showing common pregnancy symptoms (morning sickness, cravings, tiredness) and a bump. So basically the baby's growing at a rate of like one week per day. By the end of a month Bella is heavily pregnant and dying because the baby is sucking the life out of her and making her body reject any and all nourishment--she's literally starving to death. To top if off the baby is so strong that she has bruises all over her belly, and at one point it breaks a rib.
Do you want to know what's really wrong? Edward's immediate reaction to learning Bella was pregnant, before he even knew Bella was in any real danger whatsoever, was as follows:
"'We're going to get that thing out of you...'"
That was his first thought upon hearing that he was going to have a child. And the thought doesn't change; not when Bella decides to keep the baby, not when he realizes how much it means to her, not ever. I know that the relationship between a husband and wife is a singular, exclusive, binding one, but it's not supposed to be to the exclusion of all other life.
And the solution to getting Bella to actually get nutrients: she has to drink human blood the Cullens had in case she got bad enough to need transfusions, because they figure out that's what the baby wants and the reason it won't let her take in anything else.
The whole situation is just disgusting and repulsive and wrong from every angle. On the one hand, Bella has a parasitical monster incubating inside her; on the other hand, it's a baby and the first thought on the majority of everyone's minds is to get rid of it. The only people on Bella's side are Esme, Carlisle (because Esme is), and Rosalie--and Rosalie only because she's always wanted babies, and since vampires can't conceive she's all set for Bella to kick the bucket and take the baby herself! Oh yes, and Edward convinces Jacob to offer to whore himself--basically tell her "If you want babies that much let me offer my services to give you a few totally healthy ones"--in an effort to once again try to get Bella to get rid of the baby. Which he does. Let us skip over the sick immorality of this idea, since it's just painfully obvious and really goes without saying; can you imagine what kind of a psychological impact that arrangement would have on the resulting children? "Yeah...I'm alive because my mom got rid of my older sibling, and my real dad's nonexistent 'cept for when Mom's feeling amorous, and my stand-in dad is totally apathetic to my existence because he only cares about my mom." That is just a lovely family arrangement, yes?
People, it's not just one life you have to consider here! Can we all stop taking crazy pills and consider that there are two people in danger at the moment?!
It's horrific. Terms like Rosemary's Baby and Hush come to mind. I'm pretty sure I saw an episode of Charmed like this once.
I literally feel like this is a dream I'm having whenever I read it. It's too weird.
Important developments in the plot: first person point-of-view switch from Bella to Jacob. It isn't that much more interesting in the kids head; just a lot of anger and angst and "Oh Bella, you're tearing me apart when you're not even here." The werewolf pack decides to take Bella and Baby out rather than risk the danger of it being born upon hearing of Bella's pregnancy (Jacob went to see her because he was afraid she'd already been turned, and found out the whole story), and Jacob is actually rational for once and splits off from the pack because he won't attack the Cullens unprovoked or kill Bella. Eventually Seth the Baby Werewolf and Leah the Unnecessary Werewolf join him. So now there's a split in the werewolf pack and the Nice Werewolves are patrolling around the Cullens' house to protect Bella from the Mean Werewolves.
Also Bella's getting better because of all the blood she's drinking.
The silver lining, I guess, is that there's a distinct pro-life message in the whole mess--however, I fervently wish that she'd picked a better medium for it. A worlds better medium. It's just so creepsauce. My hands a literally shaking from thinking about it...
1.30.2010
The Twilight Experiment--Eclipse, Chapters 21--Epilogue and the Final Review
So, it only took 300 odd pages for Smeyer to get some meat on the "So then Jacob said, and then Edward was all, I was like 'Hey guys don't fight over me!'" bones of Eclipse. Better late than never? She appears to have overcompensated in the end though--there are so many instances during these last few chapters that the only thing keeping me from throwing the book straight across the room was that it wasn't mine, and the person I borrowed it from actually cares about it. And trust me when I tell you this: as far as my track record goes, the only time I've ever had the desire to actually chuck a book (and in this past instance I actually did--it was only a library book) it was because of something grossly wrong.
(Oh, Tamora Pierce. I dislike you greatly.)
For example:
Bella convinces Edward to sit out from the Cullen/Indian vs. Victoria/Baby Vampires fight and stay with her in the safe place they're secreting her away to, because she doesn't want him to get hurt. Edward agrees because they're all confident that with the werewolves on their side it won't even be a contest. So they're camping out in the woods together, with a werewolf guard just in case. Who just so happens to be Jacob. And it just so happens that it snows while they're on the mountain (because mountains don't care if it's June). And it just so happens that Bella is already half vampiric in that she apparently generates less body heat than a chipmunk, and is in danger of freezing to death even though she's inside a tent away from the elements, wearing several layers, a sweater, a coat, and is snuggled in a sleeping bag made for camping in the mountains in cold weather. And it just so happens that the only solution is not for Jacob to speedily run about five miles to civilization to get her more clothes, or a snuggie, or perhaps that space-heater Edward suggested (he's sensible, for once), but for Jacob to snuggle into the (one person) sleeping bag with her to save her life with his amazing 108 degree body heat.
Shirtless of course, because though the werewolves are in the habit of carrying around a pair of jeans to change into when they turn back into people, carrying around a whole t-shirt as well would just be a burden.
Isn't that an extraordinary set of coincidental circumstances? You couldn't have happened upon more angst, conflict, and tortured romance if someone had planned it!
And it doesn't stop there. Jacob leaves in the morning after a seven page conversation between Edward and Jacob that basically reiterates everything we already know about how they feel about Bella, each other, and the love "triangle" (more like love less-than sign) they're in. Edward and Bella have a romantic little talk. Jacob, who's an eavesdropping fiend, overhears that Bedward are engaged, and he's so pained by it that he lets out an agonized howl. Because knowing that the girl you love wants to be with someone else forever and eternity and knowing that the girl you love is getting married to someone else are two entirely different things, and just register on completely different emotional levels, you know?
Anyway, Bella is so tortured by Jacob's pain she decides to stop being selfish and talks to him alone to tell him to stay away from her so he can stop torturing himself. Jacob responds just as maturely as expected: he tells Bella he'll just go make sure he dies in the afternoon's battle. She's shocked and horrified he would do such a thing. The exchange goes something like this:
BELLA: Jacob, I've decided that it's selfish to keep hurting you like this, so I'm going to stay away from you from now on.
JACOB: Fine then I'll just kill myself! Nyah!-dramatic music plays-
BELLA: -falls on knees- [that's actually in there]NOOOO! I changed my mind stay here with me and don't fight at all!
JACOB: No!
BELLA: Yes!
JACOB: No!
BELLA: Please?
JACOB: There's only one thing in the whole world that will make me not kill myself.
BELLA: Ooooh, okay. Hey Jacob, gimme a kiss!
(Ever notice how preoccupied people in Twilight are with being physical? The only human experience Bella wants is sex; the only thing that Jacob says is worth living for is a kiss from Bella...yeah, it doesn't really surprise me either.)
So he does. And it's super creepy; all gaspy and gropey, and that's as far as I'll go into detail. Suffice it to say it was quite passionate.
And then Bella, who's a genius, comes to the sudden revelation that Jacob was right all along--she does love him, as he so shamelessly and pathetically insisted! She loved both Edward and Jacob all along! She just loves Edward better!
Oh my goodness, it's like wading through pudding the plot is so thick. What a complicated, intricate, masterful web of intrigue.
Anyway, that particular revelation serves very little purpose other to reiterate that Bella (and Smeyer, I suppose) still can't really tell the difference between lust and true love.
The werewolf pack as grown substantially, and there's now a girl in the pack. And it's just. So. Very. Awkward. I'm not sure if I mentioned this, but when the Pack is in werewolf form, they're minds are completely open to each other. They can hear all each others thoughts, feel all each others feelings, and all that--like the Twilight version of the Borg. Can you imagine how mortifying that is when you add a girl to that? There are things that guys just aren't supposed to know--not your father, not your brother, not your...pack-mate. Not to mention the whole business of when one changes back into a human. And to add to the situation, the girl, Leah, is a giant shrew. She's just a horrible person. So, there's literally nothing good about having her in the Pack.
The climax to Eclipse was much less intense that I originally expected upon hearing it would be a fight between good vampires, werewolves, and evil vampires. In the end it was Edward vs. Victoria and Seth the Baby Werewolf vs. Riley the Baby Vampire, with Bella crouching fearfully in the back.Victoria and Edward are fighting so fast Bella can't see them, Riley and Seth are hitting each other around a bit....Bella contemplates cutting herself to distract the evil bloodthirsty vampires; Seth and Edward dismember Riley in about five seconds, and then Edward dismembers Victoria. And they burn them. Climax over. Victoria pretty much stayed the same one-dimensional character for the entirety of her Twilight existence. So sad.
So after that things wind down...Jacob got hurt, but not anywhere near fatally so. That didn't stop Bella from fainting about it, but still. A couple of the Volturi show up a little later, all, "We're evil, we don't have to come help you if we don't want to" and kill the only surviving baby vampire.
One of the things I was told about Eclipse was that Smeyer's "people" wanted her to have Bedward sleep together and she said "No way!" like a good little Mormon, and that's one good aspect of the book. I cannot agree with this assessment. The only real reason they actually haven't done the nasty yet is merely convenience in one form or another. The aforementioned first time they almost do, the only reason they don't is because Edward sees this as an opportunity to secure Bella's yes; the second time they almost do--that being in a little mountain clearing, where Edward decides Bella's doing to many things to make other people happy and he wants to spontaneously make her happy by sacrificing his virtue--the only reason they don't is because Bella is all "No, I'm trying to do all these things in a responsible organized manner, and that includes doing the nasty." Briefly, during the first exchange, it's mentioned that one of Edward's reasons is that he's clinging to his upbringing, but it's much less, "Bella, I believe it's wrong to have sex before marriage" and more "I know it's old-fashioned, but I have this quaint desire to keep your virtue intact." It's treated flippantly by both of them, like a joke. There are no moral issues brought to bear through any of the decision making--Smeyer never raises the question of "right or wrong," merely "here or there."
The Final Review:
Eclipse was a slow read. Most of the actual substance of the plot could probably be told in a book half the size of what it is now, and I think it would still be somewhat difficult to get through due to a complete lack of suspense. There was no point where I was asking myself "What happens next?" because if it was a mystery (which it usually wasn't) I didn't care. For the most part, the book is more a string of event than an actual cohesive plot. And the bits of it that are a natural cohesive plot are nothing extraordinary.
The drama and intrigue within the plot are melodramatic and immature. Any and all interactions between Edward and Bella, and Jacob and Bella, remind me of my few attempts at writing romance during highschool--if you ask the very few people who were actually exposed to said writings, you'll understand that's a very bad thing. I had the excuse of being inexperienced, hormonal, and fifteen. I have yet to hear Smeyer's excuse. She shows very little understanding of the way human emotions, motivations, and psyche really work; which means the romance is painful and melodramatic, the villains are flat and lack suspense, and every other relationship Bella has in her life is unrelatable and abnormal.
On a slightly more positive note, Smeyer has finally shown some improvement in her writing, in the technical aspect. I won't spoil the moment by focusing on the artistic aspects--suffice it to say she still has a way to go in that area, and is dismally flawed for a Literature Major. However, her sentence structure and variation is much more interesting--not to mention grammatically correct--and she's stopped being so obviously enamored with the Word of the Week. She's finally got her p's and q's moderately in order.
Breaking Dawn I approach with trepidation. On, ho!
(Oh, Tamora Pierce. I dislike you greatly.)
For example:
Bella convinces Edward to sit out from the Cullen/Indian vs. Victoria/Baby Vampires fight and stay with her in the safe place they're secreting her away to, because she doesn't want him to get hurt. Edward agrees because they're all confident that with the werewolves on their side it won't even be a contest. So they're camping out in the woods together, with a werewolf guard just in case. Who just so happens to be Jacob. And it just so happens that it snows while they're on the mountain (because mountains don't care if it's June). And it just so happens that Bella is already half vampiric in that she apparently generates less body heat than a chipmunk, and is in danger of freezing to death even though she's inside a tent away from the elements, wearing several layers, a sweater, a coat, and is snuggled in a sleeping bag made for camping in the mountains in cold weather. And it just so happens that the only solution is not for Jacob to speedily run about five miles to civilization to get her more clothes, or a snuggie, or perhaps that space-heater Edward suggested (he's sensible, for once), but for Jacob to snuggle into the (one person) sleeping bag with her to save her life with his amazing 108 degree body heat.
Shirtless of course, because though the werewolves are in the habit of carrying around a pair of jeans to change into when they turn back into people, carrying around a whole t-shirt as well would just be a burden.
Isn't that an extraordinary set of coincidental circumstances? You couldn't have happened upon more angst, conflict, and tortured romance if someone had planned it!
And it doesn't stop there. Jacob leaves in the morning after a seven page conversation between Edward and Jacob that basically reiterates everything we already know about how they feel about Bella, each other, and the love "triangle" (more like love less-than sign) they're in. Edward and Bella have a romantic little talk. Jacob, who's an eavesdropping fiend, overhears that Bedward are engaged, and he's so pained by it that he lets out an agonized howl. Because knowing that the girl you love wants to be with someone else forever and eternity and knowing that the girl you love is getting married to someone else are two entirely different things, and just register on completely different emotional levels, you know?
Anyway, Bella is so tortured by Jacob's pain she decides to stop being selfish and talks to him alone to tell him to stay away from her so he can stop torturing himself. Jacob responds just as maturely as expected: he tells Bella he'll just go make sure he dies in the afternoon's battle. She's shocked and horrified he would do such a thing. The exchange goes something like this:
BELLA: Jacob, I've decided that it's selfish to keep hurting you like this, so I'm going to stay away from you from now on.
JACOB: Fine then I'll just kill myself! Nyah!-dramatic music plays-
BELLA: -falls on knees- [that's actually in there]NOOOO! I changed my mind stay here with me and don't fight at all!
JACOB: No!
BELLA: Yes!
JACOB: No!
BELLA: Please?
JACOB: There's only one thing in the whole world that will make me not kill myself.
BELLA: Ooooh, okay. Hey Jacob, gimme a kiss!
(Ever notice how preoccupied people in Twilight are with being physical? The only human experience Bella wants is sex; the only thing that Jacob says is worth living for is a kiss from Bella...yeah, it doesn't really surprise me either.)
So he does. And it's super creepy; all gaspy and gropey, and that's as far as I'll go into detail. Suffice it to say it was quite passionate.
And then Bella, who's a genius, comes to the sudden revelation that Jacob was right all along--she does love him, as he so shamelessly and pathetically insisted! She loved both Edward and Jacob all along! She just loves Edward better!
Oh my goodness, it's like wading through pudding the plot is so thick. What a complicated, intricate, masterful web of intrigue.
Anyway, that particular revelation serves very little purpose other to reiterate that Bella (and Smeyer, I suppose) still can't really tell the difference between lust and true love.
The werewolf pack as grown substantially, and there's now a girl in the pack. And it's just. So. Very. Awkward. I'm not sure if I mentioned this, but when the Pack is in werewolf form, they're minds are completely open to each other. They can hear all each others thoughts, feel all each others feelings, and all that--like the Twilight version of the Borg. Can you imagine how mortifying that is when you add a girl to that? There are things that guys just aren't supposed to know--not your father, not your brother, not your...pack-mate. Not to mention the whole business of when one changes back into a human. And to add to the situation, the girl, Leah, is a giant shrew. She's just a horrible person. So, there's literally nothing good about having her in the Pack.
The climax to Eclipse was much less intense that I originally expected upon hearing it would be a fight between good vampires, werewolves, and evil vampires. In the end it was Edward vs. Victoria and Seth the Baby Werewolf vs. Riley the Baby Vampire, with Bella crouching fearfully in the back.Victoria and Edward are fighting so fast Bella can't see them, Riley and Seth are hitting each other around a bit....Bella contemplates cutting herself to distract the evil bloodthirsty vampires; Seth and Edward dismember Riley in about five seconds, and then Edward dismembers Victoria. And they burn them. Climax over. Victoria pretty much stayed the same one-dimensional character for the entirety of her Twilight existence. So sad.
So after that things wind down...Jacob got hurt, but not anywhere near fatally so. That didn't stop Bella from fainting about it, but still. A couple of the Volturi show up a little later, all, "We're evil, we don't have to come help you if we don't want to" and kill the only surviving baby vampire.
One of the things I was told about Eclipse was that Smeyer's "people" wanted her to have Bedward sleep together and she said "No way!" like a good little Mormon, and that's one good aspect of the book. I cannot agree with this assessment. The only real reason they actually haven't done the nasty yet is merely convenience in one form or another. The aforementioned first time they almost do, the only reason they don't is because Edward sees this as an opportunity to secure Bella's yes; the second time they almost do--that being in a little mountain clearing, where Edward decides Bella's doing to many things to make other people happy and he wants to spontaneously make her happy by sacrificing his virtue--the only reason they don't is because Bella is all "No, I'm trying to do all these things in a responsible organized manner, and that includes doing the nasty." Briefly, during the first exchange, it's mentioned that one of Edward's reasons is that he's clinging to his upbringing, but it's much less, "Bella, I believe it's wrong to have sex before marriage" and more "I know it's old-fashioned, but I have this quaint desire to keep your virtue intact." It's treated flippantly by both of them, like a joke. There are no moral issues brought to bear through any of the decision making--Smeyer never raises the question of "right or wrong," merely "here or there."
The Final Review:
Eclipse was a slow read. Most of the actual substance of the plot could probably be told in a book half the size of what it is now, and I think it would still be somewhat difficult to get through due to a complete lack of suspense. There was no point where I was asking myself "What happens next?" because if it was a mystery (which it usually wasn't) I didn't care. For the most part, the book is more a string of event than an actual cohesive plot. And the bits of it that are a natural cohesive plot are nothing extraordinary.
The drama and intrigue within the plot are melodramatic and immature. Any and all interactions between Edward and Bella, and Jacob and Bella, remind me of my few attempts at writing romance during highschool--if you ask the very few people who were actually exposed to said writings, you'll understand that's a very bad thing. I had the excuse of being inexperienced, hormonal, and fifteen. I have yet to hear Smeyer's excuse. She shows very little understanding of the way human emotions, motivations, and psyche really work; which means the romance is painful and melodramatic, the villains are flat and lack suspense, and every other relationship Bella has in her life is unrelatable and abnormal.
On a slightly more positive note, Smeyer has finally shown some improvement in her writing, in the technical aspect. I won't spoil the moment by focusing on the artistic aspects--suffice it to say she still has a way to go in that area, and is dismally flawed for a Literature Major. However, her sentence structure and variation is much more interesting--not to mention grammatically correct--and she's stopped being so obviously enamored with the Word of the Week. She's finally got her p's and q's moderately in order.
Breaking Dawn I approach with trepidation. On, ho!
1.27.2010
The Twilight Experiment--Eclipse, Chapters 11 (or something)-20
For a series that is based entirely upon the romance between two individuals, that is ultimately about not friendship or goodness or the eternal struggle of good versus evil in any way way but instead is merely about not being able to live without a boyfriend, that is so inextricably centered around the relationship between a boy and a girl, the Twilight Saga has the least romantic proposal scene I've ever heard, seen, or read.
Now, we all knew it was coming. After all, Edward did stipulate that he wouldn't turn Bella into a vampire unless she married him first; and Bella really wants specifically Edward to turn her, so I knew it was inevitable that she marry him eventually (furthermore what self-respecting romance doesn't end with a wedding?). But I wasn't really expecting the actual pin-down, concrete, "Yes, Edward, I'll marry you" proposal to be quite so anticlimactic.
Here is how it happens:
Edward and Bella get a little alone time together before the big upcoming battle between the Cullen/werewolf team (they're working together now because they finally decided to use their brains) and the Victoria/Mr. Shirt Stealing Vampire/all the little baby vampires Vicky made to be her army....team. This is really a gratuitous plan on Victoria's part, using an entire army of newly created vampires solely for the purpose of killing Bella; but then who can understand her motives? Certainly not me, the reader, because oh yes, Smeyer hasn't featured Victoria in any real way for more than about a paragraph altogether of page-time, making it completely impossible to get any sense of depth into her character at all. The Leprechaun from Leprechaun has more depth as a villain.
But I digress. Back to business: Bella, Edward, empty house, alone time, all night. Which isn't as worrisome as it seems if you consider that's almost exactly the way they spend pretty much every night of their relationship. So innocent I of course was lulled into a false sense of security by the fact that though Edward hangs out in her room every single night, for all his strange, creepy, horribly inappropriate traits he has kept them from going off the deep end, if you understand my meaning.
Oh, foolish I!
Little was I to know that Bella has decided the one human experience she actually wants to experience as a human is not spending time with her family, seeing her friends married, taking care of her children, graduating, going to college, or anything like that. The one thing, in the entire wide wonderful world of human experiences that she wants to have a shot at before she's undead is sex.
Our protagonist, ladies and gentlemen.
A mortifying and traumatizing four pages (that's eight sides of pure text, dear reader) pass of Bella trying to convince Edward to sleep with her; immediately followed by three more pages of arguing about Edward's reasons for not doing it and Bella's reasons for wanting it; and finally, it settles with Edward saying that she has to marry him first and then they'll, ahem, consummate it while she's still human. And this is the thing that finally pushes Bella to agree to marry him.
There. Engaged.
Que romántica.
Jacob Black is no longer my favorite character. I should have known, given it's Stephanie Meyer, that he would eventually take a turn for the worst--but even in my most pessimistic of moods I'm not sure I would have predicted that he would have fallen out of my good graces so very thoroughly in one swift action. Confess your love for Bella, Jacob--that's not a surprise, you already stated that a while ago. Express your resolve to fight for her affection as hard as you can--well, that's sad and a little bit pathetic, but I suppose a man's got to do what a man's got to do. However, forcing yourself upon a girl who clearly wants nothing of your advances is not only ungentlemanly and uncouth, but literally illegal. Bella could have you charged and put in handcuffs. And the fact that you're a werewolf and can kiss her as long as you want as hard as you want makes it worse, not better.
For the first time in the entire Saga, I was legitimately happy with Bella: as soon as she can get the big nitwit's paws (look I made a funny) off of her, she punches him right in the face. Of course, since Jacob is a werewolf she just ends up breaking her hand, but it's the first time she's ever reacted to something in a way that makes sense. It would have been even better if she had called Edward and had him pick her up, but she has Jacob drive her home in angry silence instead. Oh well, nothing's totally perfect (no matter what Smeyer would have you believe. Don't listen to her, she lies!).
And what is Charlie's reaction upon hearing that his only daughter was just moderately violated? He laughs. And tells Jacob, "Good for you." Actual quote there. I'm sorry Charlie, you want your daughter to become a harlot?
To thicken my animosity towards Jacob--in a very short period of time!--he turns into a manipulative little brat. He comes to Bella's, Edward, and Alice's giant graduation party, and Bella is still mad at him (good for her!). He uses her guilt over the werewolf/vampire animosity and her in-betweeny position therein, and gets all pouty and says when she tries to leave his insufferable presence (this is a near-verbatim quote), "I guess you're just going off to your real friends." And of course Bella falls for it completely and rushes to reassure him that they're still besties and fine I suppose we can hang out. Bella's Shining Moment ended.
In sum, Mr. Black is a rogue and a fiend.
Jasper is my new favorite friend, because he hardly says anything at all. The longest even ever spoken is when he told his entire life story. Which was....pretty long, but also, granted, kind of awesome and he basically used all the dialog-time he'd saved up over the last two-and-half books by only giving everyone about two words to rub together per fifty pages.
On a slightly more encouraging note, an actual plot has finally emerged! That being the aforementioned vampire army crawling around Seattle and killing pretty much the whole population of the city. So the vampires and the werewolves are all ready to go to war, and they have a plan and everything's dandy and moving forward.
Potential down-side: Smeyers moving quickly into the climax--and there's still about 300 pages left in the book. I can't fathom how this story can possibly be stretched out that far after the battle is finally over.
I just wish Edward would bite Bella and they would move to Antarctica and I could stop reading about their boring life.
The end.
Now, we all knew it was coming. After all, Edward did stipulate that he wouldn't turn Bella into a vampire unless she married him first; and Bella really wants specifically Edward to turn her, so I knew it was inevitable that she marry him eventually (furthermore what self-respecting romance doesn't end with a wedding?). But I wasn't really expecting the actual pin-down, concrete, "Yes, Edward, I'll marry you" proposal to be quite so anticlimactic.
Here is how it happens:
Edward and Bella get a little alone time together before the big upcoming battle between the Cullen/werewolf team (they're working together now because they finally decided to use their brains) and the Victoria/Mr. Shirt Stealing Vampire/all the little baby vampires Vicky made to be her army....team. This is really a gratuitous plan on Victoria's part, using an entire army of newly created vampires solely for the purpose of killing Bella; but then who can understand her motives? Certainly not me, the reader, because oh yes, Smeyer hasn't featured Victoria in any real way for more than about a paragraph altogether of page-time, making it completely impossible to get any sense of depth into her character at all. The Leprechaun from Leprechaun has more depth as a villain.
But I digress. Back to business: Bella, Edward, empty house, alone time, all night. Which isn't as worrisome as it seems if you consider that's almost exactly the way they spend pretty much every night of their relationship. So innocent I of course was lulled into a false sense of security by the fact that though Edward hangs out in her room every single night, for all his strange, creepy, horribly inappropriate traits he has kept them from going off the deep end, if you understand my meaning.
Oh, foolish I!
Little was I to know that Bella has decided the one human experience she actually wants to experience as a human is not spending time with her family, seeing her friends married, taking care of her children, graduating, going to college, or anything like that. The one thing, in the entire wide wonderful world of human experiences that she wants to have a shot at before she's undead is sex.
Our protagonist, ladies and gentlemen.
A mortifying and traumatizing four pages (that's eight sides of pure text, dear reader) pass of Bella trying to convince Edward to sleep with her; immediately followed by three more pages of arguing about Edward's reasons for not doing it and Bella's reasons for wanting it; and finally, it settles with Edward saying that she has to marry him first and then they'll, ahem, consummate it while she's still human. And this is the thing that finally pushes Bella to agree to marry him.
There. Engaged.
Que romántica.
Jacob Black is no longer my favorite character. I should have known, given it's Stephanie Meyer, that he would eventually take a turn for the worst--but even in my most pessimistic of moods I'm not sure I would have predicted that he would have fallen out of my good graces so very thoroughly in one swift action. Confess your love for Bella, Jacob--that's not a surprise, you already stated that a while ago. Express your resolve to fight for her affection as hard as you can--well, that's sad and a little bit pathetic, but I suppose a man's got to do what a man's got to do. However, forcing yourself upon a girl who clearly wants nothing of your advances is not only ungentlemanly and uncouth, but literally illegal. Bella could have you charged and put in handcuffs. And the fact that you're a werewolf and can kiss her as long as you want as hard as you want makes it worse, not better.
For the first time in the entire Saga, I was legitimately happy with Bella: as soon as she can get the big nitwit's paws (look I made a funny) off of her, she punches him right in the face. Of course, since Jacob is a werewolf she just ends up breaking her hand, but it's the first time she's ever reacted to something in a way that makes sense. It would have been even better if she had called Edward and had him pick her up, but she has Jacob drive her home in angry silence instead. Oh well, nothing's totally perfect (no matter what Smeyer would have you believe. Don't listen to her, she lies!).
And what is Charlie's reaction upon hearing that his only daughter was just moderately violated? He laughs. And tells Jacob, "Good for you." Actual quote there. I'm sorry Charlie, you want your daughter to become a harlot?
To thicken my animosity towards Jacob--in a very short period of time!--he turns into a manipulative little brat. He comes to Bella's, Edward, and Alice's giant graduation party, and Bella is still mad at him (good for her!). He uses her guilt over the werewolf/vampire animosity and her in-betweeny position therein, and gets all pouty and says when she tries to leave his insufferable presence (this is a near-verbatim quote), "I guess you're just going off to your real friends." And of course Bella falls for it completely and rushes to reassure him that they're still besties and fine I suppose we can hang out. Bella's Shining Moment ended.
In sum, Mr. Black is a rogue and a fiend.
Jasper is my new favorite friend, because he hardly says anything at all. The longest even ever spoken is when he told his entire life story. Which was....pretty long, but also, granted, kind of awesome and he basically used all the dialog-time he'd saved up over the last two-and-half books by only giving everyone about two words to rub together per fifty pages.
On a slightly more encouraging note, an actual plot has finally emerged! That being the aforementioned vampire army crawling around Seattle and killing pretty much the whole population of the city. So the vampires and the werewolves are all ready to go to war, and they have a plan and everything's dandy and moving forward.
Potential down-side: Smeyers moving quickly into the climax--and there's still about 300 pages left in the book. I can't fathom how this story can possibly be stretched out that far after the battle is finally over.
I just wish Edward would bite Bella and they would move to Antarctica and I could stop reading about their boring life.
The end.
1.25.2010
The Twilight Experiment--Eclipse, Chapters 5-I don't even remember. 10 or Something
This dreary day seems like a good time to update. Rather quickly.
Nothing much to report. Some strange vampire was in Bella's room, but I'm not concerned about it (yet, I suppose) because they did nothing more than display a slightly stalkerish tendency in stealing her pillow and a shirt. And since Edward is a stalker, I'd be silly to be afraid of Mr. New Vampire for being kind of a stalker, too. It just wouldn't be logical.
So basically we have yet another faceless threat (?) that's impossible to be frightened of.
Also Jacob and Edward aren't trying to kill each other anymore; I suppose there's something about mutually freaking out over an incident that they know nothing about and may or may not be threatening to the girl they love that just helps boys bond. Which is to say, they're both now on "Keep Bella in at least one of our sites at all times" mode. Honestly. It's like she can't pee without being in peril.
Also, werewolves are officially just weird. There's this whole thing about how they "imprint" on people, which is basically some mysterious connection that it's possible for them to instantly form with a member of the opposite sex upon seeing them. After which time they're hopelessly devoted to the person. But here's the thing: if, in your lifetime (assuming you're a werewolf), you do catch sight of the person you're supposed to imprint on, you will do so immediately--no matter how old the person is. One of Jacob's friends just imprinted on a two-year-old.
Oh, Smeyer.
Nothing much to report. Some strange vampire was in Bella's room, but I'm not concerned about it (yet, I suppose) because they did nothing more than display a slightly stalkerish tendency in stealing her pillow and a shirt. And since Edward is a stalker, I'd be silly to be afraid of Mr. New Vampire for being kind of a stalker, too. It just wouldn't be logical.
So basically we have yet another faceless threat (?) that's impossible to be frightened of.
Also Jacob and Edward aren't trying to kill each other anymore; I suppose there's something about mutually freaking out over an incident that they know nothing about and may or may not be threatening to the girl they love that just helps boys bond. Which is to say, they're both now on "Keep Bella in at least one of our sites at all times" mode. Honestly. It's like she can't pee without being in peril.
Also, werewolves are officially just weird. There's this whole thing about how they "imprint" on people, which is basically some mysterious connection that it's possible for them to instantly form with a member of the opposite sex upon seeing them. After which time they're hopelessly devoted to the person. But here's the thing: if, in your lifetime (assuming you're a werewolf), you do catch sight of the person you're supposed to imprint on, you will do so immediately--no matter how old the person is. One of Jacob's friends just imprinted on a two-year-old.
Oh, Smeyer.
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