[If you've felt in any way bashed upon, hurt, angered, or annoyed at any point during this long series of The Twilight Experiment, please read my
address to the bulldozed masses.]
At last it is the long overdue Final Final Review of the infamous Twilight Saga. I honestly have no idea why you had to wait so long for this, dear reader. I'd like to be done with it just as much as you...maybe. It's been a long journey. One that has felt even longer--oh, Smeyer. But I've waited so long, and have so little left to say, that this will probably end up seeming anti-climactic to you.
I think I'll do this quick, like pulling off a band-aid.
The Final Final Review: I could spend hours upon hours simply nitpicking this series (as some of you probably have already experienced. Apologies). However, I won't--for which I'd like a reward please and thank you. But I will say that the fact that I
can spend hours nitpicking a published book is a strong indicator that Smeyer left out a very important part of her writing process, that being
peer review. Speaking from a writer's perspective for a moment here: I have written some truly dreadful things. It's not impossible for an author to treat a horrible, cliched, melodramatic, just-plain-stupid, idea like their shining, sweet, angel brain child; in fact, it's all
too easy. However, what saves your authorly life in these moments are two things: putting down your work and coming back to it many months later when you've forgotten just how brilliant you think it is (this process usually reveals some very embarrassing things in the cold, unforgiving light of day), and getting others whose opinions you greatly value to look over your work. A good friend will be able to shed logicality and practical...ness into your passion-sodden piece of inspiration, shedding light onto areas of weakness that you probably
never would have seen yourself. Most importantly, they are able to catch plotholes, errors in logic and factual evidence, and just tiny awkward things that could besmirch an otherwise respectable manuscript.
Smeyer, clearly, did not go through this process. Putting aside the fact that she herself wrote such a large amount of sheer grammatical, factual, and logical errors into her books for a moment--did
no one think to point just one of these things? Did she have
no friend willing to say, "Well Stephanie, see if you're going to get scientific to explain how Bella could possibly be having a baby, you're going to have to also explain why
all of the natural processes of Edward's body have stopped
except the reproductive ones."
I just can't fathom how it can be
that sloppy and be published. A manuscript goes through legions of editors and proofreaders, and
this is the final product?
That is my last block rant, I promise.
(Probably)
Pros of the Twilight Saga:
- Jacob Black--for the entirety of Twilight and the first five chapters or so of New Moon. He's a genuinely likable character; a cute, cheerful, little fifteen-year-old (although there's something wrong with him if he likes Bella that much).
- Jasper--because he hardly ever talks, and when he does it's just to be a badapple.
- The histories--Smeyer did indeed create fairly involved histories for each vampire character, that are really interesting. So no matter what else happens, you'll be engaged for the equivalent of about two chapters of the Saga.
- The Volturi--really good concept--the execution of the concept didn't quite live up to its potential, but they were cool nonetheless (too bad they never actually got to use that coolness in BATTLE)
- (To connect with above) Basically every other vampire except the Cullens--those being the ones introduced in the last dozen chapters of Breaking Dawn. I don't know what it is--maybe Smeyer's talent lies in giving characters the illusion of unseen depth before she goes into detail about them (thus revealing them to be flat and unlikable)--but the vampires that gather to defend the Cullens against the Volture in the last book both intrigue intrigue and please me.*
(Overall) Cons of the Twilight Saga:
- Jacob--from the rest of New Moon onward. After he turns into a werewolf he becomes your normal, annoying, angst-ridden supernatural teen; all sullen and tortured about his lot in life. He's also kind of a skeeze, and full of himself.
- Bella--is a poorly done main character. She's really a just plain unlikable main character, and pretty much static even though the Saga takes place over almost three years of her life; her states of being change, but not her character. And there are little to no transitions between the changes in her states of being (much like this paragraph and the transitions between its ideas). She goes from not knowing who Edward is to being completely in love, with him with no real catalyst; she goes from ignorance of vampires to complete acceptance of the concept, with no time of processing or shock; she goes from not caring about her human friends to--never caring about her human friends. And she treats her parents like children, which just plain ticks me off.
- The only "cool" (and good-looking) characters in the Saga are Bella and the supernatural creatures surrounding her. Honestly, if I was one of Smeyer's friends I'd be worried about the way she feels about the human race.
- Her climaxes--they fall pitifully short. The most exciting of these was the climax for Twilight--which wasn't very impressive to begin with. Smeyer constantly writes as if she's leading up to something big and potentially eye-popping, but always fails in the follow-through. Yes, I am still bitterly, bitterly disappointed in the Breaking Dawn climax.
- Stephanie Meyers is Bella. And you can tell; I don't know about you, but pretension like this never fails to irritate me greatly in novels (I have the same problem with the Inheritance series). But if I were Smeyer's husband, I'd feel a bit self-conscious.
- Edward--is not romantic, is not sweet, is not an old-fashioned gentleman--he is an overly controlling, emotionless stalker.
- Description--is gratuitous in the places it shouldn't be (Smeyer never stops eloquently describing Edward's beauty and Jacob's body. Never.), and underdone in the places it should be eloquent.
- Small typos, plotholes, and logical fallacies that alone probably wouldn't matter very much but add up--believe me.
You can do the math and come to your own conclusion about reading them.
*Honestly, if a better writer wrote an expanded universe about some of those side characters' lives, I might consider checking them out.
The Biggest Con:
I've separated it because I feel it's the most important; everything I've pointed out above, for the most part, is arguably a matter of opinion. This particular issue I have with the Saga, however,
is something that I'll stand by no matter what, because I think it's important that people be aware of it.
The most important problem I have with the Twilight Saga is its message. In a nutshell, the message of Twilight is that you can't be happy unless you have a significant other--and that once you have someone who loves you, whom you love (because everyone loves Bella but it's only Edward who has the privilege of being loved by her), everything in your life will be perfect. And I do not exaggerate when I say perfect--after Bella marries Edward, at the end of the Saga, what she has is Stephanie Meyers' version of a perfect life--she has a picturesque, fairy tale cottage for a home, eternity with the man of her dreams, who is the most beautiful creature imaginable (which we can never forget), a beautiful, well-behaved little girl that she doesn't even have to bother training, she's inhumanly gorgeous herself, and she gets her own personal stylist. This end basically sums up what's woven throughout the entire story; the only time Bella is ever truly content is when she and Edward can be together. And she gets everything she's ever wanted through no effort on her own part aside from continually loving Edward.
Not only is this tedious to read about, but I feel for younger readers--and Twilight readers are getting progressively younger--it can be a downright dangerous idea. It's never explicitly stated, but always subtly implied. The focus and truly important things in the book are all shallow, brief, tenuous values.
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Well, that's it for The Twilight Experiment, dear reader. Now hopefully I, and you if you wish, can go back to forgetting the Twilight Saga even exists.
I think I'll go read
Dracula now.....
(Picture was paired with this post solely for the purpose of having something interesting to look at when I link this on Facebook. I'm not ashamed to admit it.)
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Wow. That wasn't quick at all.
