The Twilight Experiment--Breaking Dawn, Chapters 16-Do you really care anymore? It's Bella's point of view again, okay

Dear reader, I have an actual viable scientific explanation for a minor aspect of the saga that has been bothering me for quite some time. Throughout all four books, every time Edward's face is anywhere near Bella's she can't help but mention something about his "sweet breath." The reasons for my vexation at these term was two-fold--number one, again, Bella, we understand, his breath smells real good, kindly stop reiterating; number two, nobody not even vampires (especially not vampires considering their diet and the fact that everything in their mouths, as with everything in their entire bodies, is totally static and therefor completely stagnant), has great smelling breath all the time. I would argue I've never met anyone who has great smelling breath--apart from breath mints and gum and toothpaste all within a four hour time window--at all.

But, due to a scientific discussion I listened to last night at CCF, I have come up with a plausible explanation. The subject was diabetes. I don't remember the entire process of how this happens, because it involves a lot of big words; however, as you might know, dear reader, when a diabetic is low on insulin (I believe), it means their body isn't absorbing the sugar therein, and therefor there's all this sugar floating around in your body. The result of this, if it gets to high levels, is that basically everything gets sugary--for example, your breath smells sweet.

So, Edward could have been on the brink of a diabetic coma right before he was bitten! It would explain everything!

Yes, I'm rolling my eyes, too.

The horror does not abate in Breaking Dawn until it reaches it's gory climax in the birth of the child. The only change is that Edward discovers he can hear the babies thoughts, finds out the baby loves Bella, and is finally Team Baby. Good job, Edward. It only took you almost the entire pregnancy to start acting remotely like a father. Jacob is super mad at everyone, but can't stay away from the house even though it causes him angst and pain for some mysterious reason. So for a chapter or two there's this stasis of everyone being on board with baby except Jacob, Jacob being all angsty, the vampires and the Nice Werewolves just generally getting along, and the Mean Werewolves keeping their distance and being very little part of the story anymore.

So naturally, while things are all peaceful, the placenta separates and the carnage resumes. The scene of the birthing is much better suited to a zombie film than a romance novel. I'll be suffering from psychological trauma for a long time I think. Suffice it to say there was blood enough to serve the most violent of anime fight scenes, and Bella basically gets ripped apart. The baby breaks her spine while it's freaking out because it's suffocating. She would have died a gurgling, horrific, painful, bloody death if Edward hadn't bit her.

Bella is a vampire now. And blissfully happy with her super strength, and her new vampire/werewolf family, and her still-freakishly growing daughter Renesmee. Renesmee Carlie, to combine Renee and Esme and Charlie and Carlisle. I believe that's the first that I've heard of anyone borrowing the tabloids celebrity-couple-naming technique to name they're child.

Whatever makes your cereal crackle, Bella.

Things did get a bit dodgy when she found out that Jacob had imprinted on her infant child during her interim dying period. But they shook hands and made up. Yes, Smeyer is at it again with the pedophilia. I don't really care if he'll only behave as the most devoted older brother ever until she's legal, cosmic betrothals to girls seventeen years younger than you is not on the level.

I'd like to address the particular issue of Bella fitting so very perfectly into her entirely new lifestyle. Upon first overview it seems pretty harmless--I mean, it's nice, isn't it, for someone to actually be happy in the life they've chosen for themselves. My issue is how Smeyer particularly emphasizes exactly how much better Bella's new life is from the old--she's very purposeful in making it clear that everything that wasn't quite perfect before is obliterated after Bella gets married and becomes a vampire. All complications in her and Edward's relationship are non-existent; she's no longer absurdly clumsy, but graceful, strong, and agile to the nth degree; she's inhumanly beautiful; she has her own personal stylist (because Alice loves dressing people); she has her own cottage that suits her taste exactly and doesn't have so much as a drippy faucet; she has a beautiful daughter, who's growing at the rate of about a year per month, and thusly isn't troubled by the messy child-rearing nuisances such as weaning, teething, sleep-schedules, training, potty-training, education, and the like; she's amazingly self-controlled for a new vampire and therefor is troubled very little by things like bloodlust and not knowing the extent of her own strength; and she even gets to keep Charlie as a part of her life. If you (I'm speaking, I think, mostly to my dear female readers specifically--or maybe just my female readers who think like me) took everything you ever wished for in your most disconsolate moments and wildest dreams--"Ugh, I have no idea what to wear. I wish I just had a personal stylist to make me look fabulous." "I can't explain myself right to anyone--I wish I could just be with someone who understood me perfectly." "If I could live anywhere, it would be Wendy's house in Peter Pan."--and actually got it, that would be Bella Cullen's life right now. In short, her life now is finally, literally perfect (from a general standpoint--I personally am looking forward to snotty noses and teaching my kid to read).

First of all, no one's life is anywhere close to that perfect. She has literally zero conflict in her life, no more tiny things to argue about, life is blissful and harmonious--the conflict that is arising (which I'll get to soon) is from a completely outside source.

Secondly, can we examine for a moment exactly what message Smeyer is sending her readers--primarily teenage girls, mind--through choosing to portray Bella's life this way? Let us delve into the psyche of your average Twilight fan (come now, don't be such a baby); we'll call her Mallory. Mallory is a fifteen-year-old, who loves Twilight because of the deeply personal way in which she relates to Bella Swan. They're both highschool students, and Bella goes through the same angsty problems that Mallory does; Mallory understands Bella. And finally, Bella's life is getting better, and her problems are fixed--by becoming a vampire. That's the message: if you're not content in your life right now, that's probably because you actually belong in a totally different life! What kind of message is that to feed Mallory?! And it's all veiled in this fluffy marshmallow dream of a perfect life surrounded by beautiful things and people who love you.

This is wrong.

Positive: there's a very cool, fascinating, macabre vampire history lesson in Breaking Dawn about a time in vampire history where there were what was called the immortal children. If you can't guess, that's a period of time where vampires were turning children, barely older than infants, into vampires (since vampires themselves can't reproduce). The problem was that since the immortal children didn't grow, they could never be taught to control themselves or their bloodlust, so there was a huge danger of vampire exposure. So the Volturi (you remember them--the vampire Mafia/Lawmen) wiped them all out, and forbade the making of immortal children ever again. And now, a vampire saw Reneesme from afar and thought she was an immortal child, so the Volturi are all coming--literally all--to wipe the Cullens out for being dirty lawbreakers. Dire straights indeed!

I've noticed the things I really like about Twilight are usually subplots or back stories involving vampires actually acting something like vampires--carnage and slaughter and turning children and being soulless and such.

Side note: it's officially confirmed that it's scientifically impossible for Bella and Edward to have reproduced. Normally I wouldn't quibble about science when it comes to the undead, but since Smeyer decided to bring science into her explanation I can only point out that her attempt to make realistic sense of the situation is neither realistic nor sensical.