For a series that is based entirely upon the romance between two individuals, that is ultimately about not friendship or goodness or the eternal struggle of good versus evil in any way way but instead is merely about not being able to live without a boyfriend, that is so inextricably centered around the relationship between a boy and a girl, the Twilight Saga has the least romantic proposal scene I've ever heard, seen, or read.
Now, we all knew it was coming. After all, Edward did stipulate that he wouldn't turn Bella into a vampire unless she married him first; and Bella really wants specifically Edward to turn her, so I knew it was inevitable that she marry him eventually (furthermore what self-respecting romance doesn't end with a wedding?). But I wasn't really expecting the actual pin-down, concrete, "Yes, Edward, I'll marry you" proposal to be quite so anticlimactic.
Here is how it happens:
Edward and Bella get a little alone time together before the big upcoming battle between the Cullen/werewolf team (they're working together now because they finally decided to use their brains) and the Victoria/Mr. Shirt Stealing Vampire/all the little baby vampires Vicky made to be her army....team. This is really a gratuitous plan on Victoria's part, using an entire army of newly created vampires solely for the purpose of killing Bella; but then who can understand her motives? Certainly not me, the reader, because oh yes, Smeyer hasn't featured Victoria in any real way for more than about a paragraph altogether of page-time, making it completely impossible to get any sense of depth into her character at all. The Leprechaun from Leprechaun has more depth as a villain.
But I digress. Back to business: Bella, Edward, empty house, alone time, all night. Which isn't as worrisome as it seems if you consider that's almost exactly the way they spend pretty much every night of their relationship. So innocent I of course was lulled into a false sense of security by the fact that though Edward hangs out in her room every single night, for all his strange, creepy, horribly inappropriate traits he has kept them from going off the deep end, if you understand my meaning.
Oh, foolish I!
Little was I to know that Bella has decided the one human experience she actually wants to experience as a human is not spending time with her family, seeing her friends married, taking care of her children, graduating, going to college, or anything like that. The one thing, in the entire wide wonderful world of human experiences that she wants to have a shot at before she's undead is sex.
Our protagonist, ladies and gentlemen.
A mortifying and traumatizing four pages (that's eight sides of pure text, dear reader) pass of Bella trying to convince Edward to sleep with her; immediately followed by three more pages of arguing about Edward's reasons for not doing it and Bella's reasons for wanting it; and finally, it settles with Edward saying that she has to marry him first and then they'll, ahem, consummate it while she's still human. And this is the thing that finally pushes Bella to agree to marry him.
There. Engaged.
Que romántica.
Jacob Black is no longer my favorite character. I should have known, given it's Stephanie Meyer, that he would eventually take a turn for the worst--but even in my most pessimistic of moods I'm not sure I would have predicted that he would have fallen out of my good graces so very thoroughly in one swift action. Confess your love for Bella, Jacob--that's not a surprise, you already stated that a while ago. Express your resolve to fight for her affection as hard as you can--well, that's sad and a little bit pathetic, but I suppose a man's got to do what a man's got to do. However, forcing yourself upon a girl who clearly wants nothing of your advances is not only ungentlemanly and uncouth, but literally illegal. Bella could have you charged and put in handcuffs. And the fact that you're a werewolf and can kiss her as long as you want as hard as you want makes it worse, not better.
For the first time in the entire Saga, I was legitimately happy with Bella: as soon as she can get the big nitwit's paws (look I made a funny) off of her, she punches him right in the face. Of course, since Jacob is a werewolf she just ends up breaking her hand, but it's the first time she's ever reacted to something in a way that makes sense. It would have been even better if she had called Edward and had him pick her up, but she has Jacob drive her home in angry silence instead. Oh well, nothing's totally perfect (no matter what Smeyer would have you believe. Don't listen to her, she lies!).
And what is Charlie's reaction upon hearing that his only daughter was just moderately violated? He laughs. And tells Jacob, "Good for you." Actual quote there. I'm sorry Charlie, you want your daughter to become a harlot?
To thicken my animosity towards Jacob--in a very short period of time!--he turns into a manipulative little brat. He comes to Bella's, Edward, and Alice's giant graduation party, and Bella is still mad at him (good for her!). He uses her guilt over the werewolf/vampire animosity and her in-betweeny position therein, and gets all pouty and says when she tries to leave his insufferable presence (this is a near-verbatim quote), "I guess you're just going off to your real friends." And of course Bella falls for it completely and rushes to reassure him that they're still besties and fine I suppose we can hang out. Bella's Shining Moment ended.
In sum, Mr. Black is a rogue and a fiend.
Jasper is my new favorite friend, because he hardly says anything at all. The longest even ever spoken is when he told his entire life story. Which was....pretty long, but also, granted, kind of awesome and he basically used all the dialog-time he'd saved up over the last two-and-half books by only giving everyone about two words to rub together per fifty pages.
On a slightly more encouraging note, an actual plot has finally emerged! That being the aforementioned vampire army crawling around Seattle and killing pretty much the whole population of the city. So the vampires and the werewolves are all ready to go to war, and they have a plan and everything's dandy and moving forward.
Potential down-side: Smeyers moving quickly into the climax--and there's still about 300 pages left in the book. I can't fathom how this story can possibly be stretched out that far after the battle is finally over.
I just wish Edward would bite Bella and they would move to Antarctica and I could stop reading about their boring life.
The end.
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