12.24.2010

Archives Advent Extravaganza Day THE END--IT'S CHRISTMAS, WHY ARE YOU ON A LAME BLOG RIGHT NOW?!

HEAVENS TO BETSY GUYS IT'S CHRISTMAS, GUYS, IT'S CHRISTMAS HERE'S YOUR PRESENTS.

This is probably the most epic blog post I've ever read. Definitely the most epic blog post I've read on SCL.


My favorite scene from a Christmas movie.


Possibly my favorite Sufjan song, "Get Behind Me, Santa!"


Fantasia forever!


Our Christmas Eve tradition is to watch this movie.













Another tradition is to read this book. My daddy always cries; I love him.


"Christmas Time" by Phil Wickham (y'all need to go on his website right now and buy this album).



















Got this off of Deviantart. Because I like interesting art.


More Sufjan: "The Friendly Beasts" featuring Shara Worden!


Julian Smith--he made this for you.






Geeze, I hope I didn't break the internet with all the stuff I have in this post...

Merry Christmas!

Archives Advent Extravaganza Day 23-24--Christmas Eve!

We always used to called December 23rd "Christmas Adam." We were really quite cool.

An example of why Psych is made of awesome:



I never believed in Santa, but it's never almost been Christmas until I watched this video:



T-1! Happy Christmas Eve!

12.22.2010

Archives Advent Extravaganza Day 22--I'm Almost There

More from Stuff Christians Like. I don't actually know if this guy has a short list of "Stuff Christians Like," but if he did he would have to put his own website on it I think.

T-3.

[Has anyone besides me noticed that my countdown is totally askew?]

12.21.2010

Archives Advent Extravaganza Day 21--Y'all Better Still Be Snow-Dancing

If you don't know this song, your Christmas is less complete than it should be:




T-3.

12.20.2010

Archives Advent Extravaganza Days 19-20--I Have Both "Christmas Shoes" Movies

Thanks to David Goodness. Yessss.

I missed another day--I blame my tendency to disappear off the face of the planet for the first week of any break. But hey, I'm on break!

More craftiness for you--Sarah made a really nifty advent calendar of her own based upon this thing. I think it's pretty neat.

Why does this shirt make me laugh? I don't know, but it does. So I made it Day 20.

T-4.

12.18.2010

Archives Advent Extravaganza Day 18--I Normally Don't Do This

This isn't a crafty blog. I'm not one of those cool people who stumble across awesome obscure artsy DYI designs to make your home/room/office space/car look amazing and unique and totally hipster and then dedicates a blogpost to sharing it with the world. I'm one of those people who thinks, "You know what? Twine smells like sneezes" and then decides the internet needs to know about it and then dedicates a blogpost to sharing it with the world. You know. That sort of thing.

But this gift idea is pretty dang cool, especially if you're like me and feel woefully inadequate whenever you give giftcards as presents even if it will genuinely bless the receiver.

This is probably the only time I'm gonna do this...

[So if you want more of it, go to my sister-in-law's blog because you'll get great recipe's and interior design ideas interspersed with BABIES. Honestly, what more could you ask for? Tell me.]

12.17.2010

Archives Advent Extravaganza Days 15, 16, and 17--You Knew This Would Happen at Least Once

So...I missed a few days. Yes. Okay. But I sort of started out doing that so really what more were you expecting?

And here, look, see, I have three things for you. So it's basically the same, right?

First, here's my new favorite version of The Little Drummer Boy


Second, this is a book that you should get because it's awesome and it's been in my family as long as I can remember and it's awesome.














Third, this is the most adorable Christmas presentation ever:

12.14.2010

Archives Advent Extravaganza Day 14--I Can Almost Smell the Candlewax

Christmas is almost here. Finals are kicking my butt but not God's, so hallelujah.

Another favorite Christmas song (and OOHOOHLOOK MOAR TECHNOLOGY):


You can't go wrong with A Charlie Brown Christmas.

12.13.2010

Archives Advent Extravaganza Day 13--Snooooooooow

This morning I got to walk into school through a swirl of glorious, fat snowflakes.

I'm so happy right now.



[You can't go wrong with White Christmas.]

12.12.2010

Archives Advent Extravaganza Day 12--This Whole Thing Proves I Really Really Love You

Because this is getting annoying. Remind me never to promise to post once every day on anything ever again. It's all for you, dear Reader, all for you.


12.11.2010

Archives Advent Extravaganza Day 11--Here, Have Another Thing

I love this blog. Jon Acuff inspires me to not always use my sarcasm for evil (I mean, his word isn't the equivalent of God's holy scripture, but he says some good stuff). Also he can make Harry Potter references apply to Christian life.

So read this thing. Because I'm planning on trying at least the first at my Christmas Eve service (if they do the candle thing again).

12.10.2010

Archives Advent Extravaganza Day 10--Blame the Cold

I feel yucky.

Here, have an awesome music video:




Muhaha.

12.09.2010

Archives Advent Extravaganza Day 9--Snow Dance, for the Love of Mike!

I need it to snow. Like, right now.

Not gonna lie, this is my favorite version of this song, and this is my favorite video of this version:



EVERYONE GO OUTSIDE AND DO YOUR SNOW DANCE RIGHT NOW.

12.06.2010

Archives Advent Extravaganza Day 6--More Musics, Less Technology



I don't have an MP3 of this so I have to use this lumbering video window again.

Life is kinda busy right now. Is my head still where I left it? I hope so.

12.05.2010

Archives Advent Extravaganza Day 5: My Life is Pretty Awesome

This afternoon we went and got our Christmas tree. About four hours later it was on the stand, be-lighted, and we began decorating. It's always fun to jam as many of our ornaments on the Christmas tree as we possibly can--we've accumulated quite a lot over the years but somehow every Christmas season we do indeed get all of them on there. But you probably know family rituals like that are something you really have to be there to understand the awesomeness.

After we decorated our tree, we turned off all the lights except the Christmas lights and proceeded to boogey down and have a family dance party to this song:




That's right. Even my mom.

[In case you missed it, that song is the advent prize for today. Oh man I'm smooth. Like buttah. All thanks (lots and lots of thanks) and credit go to Nathan Lee for showing me how to embed music. OMG LOOK TECHNOLOGY!]

12.04.2010

Archives Advent Extravaganze Day 4--Because I Don't Like the Number 4 as Much, Today's Advent is Kinda Lame

But for some reason this picture just tickles my fancy so I'm putting it up here.


 Isn't he just darling? Hopefully this is what my Christmas tree will look like. And then we'll have adventures together.

Oh geeze, I feel like I have to supplement this lame Day 4. Um......

Does anyone find it interesting that I rarely post about significant life events? My brother just got engaged and I didn't say anything about it. Nor will I beyond that. You, dear reader, are probably not going to know I have a boyfriend until I write a post that starts, "So four days after my wedding I saw this HUGE spider..." What is this blog about, anyway?

Did you know pumice is the only rock that floats in water?

Did you know I can only tolerate something resting on my collarbone if I'm not sitting still?


Kay, bye.

12.03.2010

Archives Advent Extravaganza Day 3--The Bible's Not About Us (And Neither is Christmas)

That's right. It's day three, okay? Because it's December 3rd. Smoke it.

I have another video for you, dear Readers, and this one is really good. It's an excerpt from a Tim Keller message. It isn't specifically about Christmas; it's called "What is the Bible Basically About", but I wanted to make this one of the first things because it's about why we celebrate Christmas. As I watched this video, God reminded me that Christmas was the beginning of all that the bible is about. Christmas is not about hot chocolate or getting off school or singing Christmas songs or getting presents or giving presents or even family as much as I dearly love that aspect of it. Christmas is about remembering one of the three most important days in history. Christmas is about remembering the day that the greatest being in all the universe became like the worst beings in all the universe; Christmas is about remembering the day that the Word of God became flesh to live with us; Christmas is about remembering the day that Jesus Christ was born in order to die.



The bible is not about us, and Christmas is not about us. Glory to God in the highest!

12.02.2010

Stop Complaining; I Have a Life, Okay!

That title is just to make visitors think that my blog is so popular that people complain to me all the time about how I never update it. I don't get complaints in real life; for that matter, I don't think I get visitors, either. But that's okay, I don't write this blog for an audience (clearly).

I just wanted to point out that I gave Archives a Christmas makeover. Doesn't he look awesome? Why did I feel the need to write a mini-post pointing this out, you ask, dear Reader, when one can very clearly see for themselves that the blog format has changed? I don't have a satisfactory answer for you, but it probably has something to do with the fact that I should be researching for a paper on psychoanalytic criticism right now.

No, wait...I think there is sort of a point to this post. I had an idea, last night, right before I fell asleep (which on a normal night would mean that you do not want to know, but in this case it seems to still be pretty okay in the light of morning). I thought it might be fun to do an Archives Super Cool Christmas: Advent Extravaganza--ON THE INTERNET. Which basically means that I'm going to post something holiday-ish every day until Christmas. I know, you're peeing with excitement right now, right? Me too. Hopefully this will be an everyday thing, rather than something like NaNoWriMo, or the beginning of this blog (remember that time when I said I was required by my professor to write everyday? I know, that was so funny).

Since I had this idea right before I fell asleep, I didn't post anything for yesterday. You probably already guessed that, because you guys are pretty smart for internet denizens. But that just means that to start off you get two things! Try to contain that excitement before it comes exploding out of the top of your head from the sheer excellence of this monumental event.


First, here's a song from one of my favorite Christmas CDs, Songs for Christmas by Sufjan Stevens. Everyone should buy it. It's 42 tracks of Christmas magic:



The second is quite possibly my favorite short from the original Fantasia (it's not exactly Christmas themed--but the music is!):



Most of the Archives Super Cool Christmas: Advent Extravaganza--ON THE INTERNET (henceforth to be referred to as ASCCAEOTI or Ascoti for short) will probably be songs. Maybe videos. Pictures, perhaps on a rare occasion.

Audience participation would be helpful in two areas:

  1. Spam me with awesome Christmas crap! I need ideas.
  2. Does anybody know how to embed songs onto a blog post, so I don't have to put up a giant great video window just so people can listen to them? Let me know.
WHOOHOOCHRISTMAS!

10.16.2010

Les Miserables

I got it for Christmas from my favorite sister-in-law, Sarah. I started it in July. It's 1,462 pages long.

Today, I finished it.

It's worth every single minute--even the minutes involving 19 pages of the history of Paris' sewers (I'm a firm believer that you need to go into a book assuming every single word is there for a reason). I feel accomplished and completely satisfied. Dear reader, you must know this book. It is, in a word, vast--every single aspect of the book, from the characters to the setting, is complete in every detail, no matter how briefly it appears. It's staggering. I can't believe it only took him 17 years to write it. I'm at a loss for words to fully capture how awesome this book is (as evidenced by my disconnected and understated sentences).

If you read no other books in your life other than the Bible and Les Miserables, I think you'll be okay.

"If we want to be happy, monsieur, we must never understand duty; for, as soon as we understand it, it is implacable. It is as though it punishes you for understanding it; but no, it rewards you for it; for it puts you in a hell where you feel God at your side. Your heart is not quickly lacerated when you are at peace with yourself."

9.04.2010

All My Thoughts Today Center Around One Thing...

In the case of strawberry banana flavored yogurt, banana always comes out the lesser party. This blatant bigotry is outrageous, as everyone knows banana is by far the more popular fruit anyway.

Last night I ate the most wonderful thing the world has ever seen, but it was in one of my dreams. I dreamed I was in a place reminiscent of the Reading Terminal Market, and at an ice cream stand was favored with culinary perfection: a banana, on a stick, dipped in marshmallow and rolled in coconut and chocolate chips, and finally smothered with peanut butter and chocolate drizzle. I am now alight with the fire to obtain this Dream Banana in waking life.

Midnight pizza does wonders for my subconscious cerebral awareness.

Have you ever played with those foam packing peanuts, enjoyed the airy squish of it beneath your fingers, and said to yourself they would be really fun to chew on if only they didn't taste like hand lotion and tree sap? I have. Imagine my delight, then, when I realized today that dried apples are of that precise texture.

How does SoBe make their lifewater so delicious without a single gram of sugar? I suspect witchcraft is involved.

The most disheartening bit of trivia I've learned this month is that Sun Chips are actually fattier than potato chips. What in the world are they good for?

"Fruit punch" is probably the most suspicious sounding name for a drink I know of. It's as bad as "brown sauce" and "food store." Exactly what fruit is in that stuff, Hi-C, that you aren't willing to specify, hm? Not even "orange drink" is as evasive.

You know what's the most unkind name for a movie genre ever? Spaghetti Western. It calls to mind all manner of fantastical visions regarding what such a name could mean, like a Western that comes with a complimentary plate of spaghetti, or wherein the characters fight using spaghetti instead of guns (as illustrated above, please click to zoom), or all the cast are noodles. Reality, however, is nothing so awe-inspiring--a Spaghetti Western is merely a Western made by Italian people. Which doesn't make any sense, because Italians never had a Wild Western era.

8.19.2010

How To Clean Your Room Like Meagan

Step One: Decide to clean your room. This decision must only be made after the piles of clothes (vaguely organized into "clean" and "unclean"), random envelopes that probably contain important financial aid information that you've forgotten, your unmade bed(s) and unchanged sheets, and other random knick-a-brick such as empty shoe boxes, toenail clippers, ripped Target bags, unmatched socks, and mostly-unpacked luggage have all been staring at you resentfully for several weeks, and are now so sick of being in the same place that they attempt to murder you in various ways--mostly involving tripping and/or smothering. Usually said conflict comes to a head--leading to the decision to suck it up and pick up your crap--after you have pulled a muscle in your thigh or lower shoulder whilst flailing to keep your balance.

Step Two: Pick a free day where "Clean My Room" is the only thing on your Inner-Brain Calendar (this entire process is made null and void if you use an actual calendar, such as an e-calendar or planner--THAT IS NOT HOW TO DO LIKE MEAGAN DOES). Set your alarm the night before for a reasonable 8:45 am to give yourself a fresh, healthy start on the day. When the morning of Cleaning Day dawns, and reasonable alarm wakes you with an appropriately obnoxious and peppy ringtone (ideally with a Latino-inspired beat), remind yourself that you have nothing else to do that day and therefor if you sleep in another half-an-hour you'll still have plenty of time to get cleaning done. Sleep until 11:30.

Step Three: Meander downstairs in you pajamas, because breakfast is the most important part of the day. After scouring the cabinets, decide that there's nothing good for breakfast and you weren't hungry anyway. Use your set-aside "breakfast time" to check email and Facebook. (Do not eat breakfast--THAT IS NOT HOW TO DO LIKE MEAGAN DOES)

Step Four: Get bored of both Facebook and waiting for the five-year-old kitchen computer to load pages, and make your way back upstairs to your room. Start Cleaning Day in the official way by choosing to view all clothes as "unclean" (because they've been lying on the floor long enough that if they were clean they're probably contaminated by dust and feet and the unclean clothes by now anyway) and tossing it all into your hamper. Allow for about fifteen minutes of gathering all clothing whilst in your pajamas before you come to the conclusion that though you had originally planned to wear pj's all day, you're starting to feel gross and kinda fat; spend twenty minutes picking out an outfit combining comfortability, cleanness, and not-feeling-fat-no-moreness in equal parts (this process may and probably will be lengthened by the fact that you've just thrown all your clean clothes into your hamper, and so need to dig them out). Brush your hair and teeth so you don't feel half-ready for the day anymore. Go back to cleaning.

Step Five: Organize everything in your room into an obscure filing system of piles that only you can decipher. Do as much as you possibly can to put things away sitting down--i.e., work on the trash pile and pairing socks first. Soon your small trashcan will be full and you'll realize the necessity of procuring a bag to empty it into. Haul yourself to your feet, and trundle downstairs to get one (trundle, as opposed to frolic or stroll: THAT IS NOT HOW TO DO LIKE MEAGAN DOES). Notice while you're downstairs that it's about lunchtime and you're hungry because you didn't get any breakfast. Make lunch [an hour long process altogether, which perhaps someday I will explain in another blog post].

Step Six: Go back upstairs. Remember that you forgot the trash bag. Go back downstairs and get it. After arriving back in your room and emptying the trashcan, gaze about yourself and realize that you have no idea how you organized each of the various-sized piles surrounding you. Spend approximately an hour feverishly pinballing between piles to pick up random objects and put them in their proper place (if at any point you think to yourself that the whole reason you made piles of like objects in the first place was to avoid this exact pinballing, shame on you: THAT IS NOT HOW TO DO LIKE MEAGAN DOES)--all the while accumulating a new pile simply brain-labeled "Where to?" This is where the really gritty, sweaty, pant-inducing bending and reaching happens. If this is your first time Cleaning Like Meagan, you may want to stretch before Step Six.

Step Seven: When you have arrived at the point where most of the work is done, and you have nothing but the "Where to?" pile and making your bed left--about a half hour's worth of work, at most--decide you need a break. Compose a blog post about an inane subject no one was wondering about. Double-check that you have no new emails, and that no one interesting is on chat at the moment.

Step Eight: Spend another frenzied fifteen-to-twenty minutes finding random homes for the "Where to?" accouterments and making your bed. At this point you have conquered Cleaning Day. Get a bottle of water for you parched throat, flop onto your bed, and sip it whilst panting and sweating and moving on to the most important:

Step Nine: Congratulate yourself that while it did take you from 12 noon until around 4 in the afternoon to clean your room, that's still significantly less time than it took your sister too when she lived in the room (THAT IS HOW TO DO LIKE MEAGAN DOES).

7.17.2010

Jooj

For those of you who remain ignorant to the glorious bit of news--which probably means that you're not remotely my friend because I've been texting/facebooking/g-mail-statusing it all the time--I am officially a first time aunt. Julia Mae Smith was born July 14th, and she's most definitely the best niece ever. She's all pink and squishy and she located her fingers within ten hours of out-of-the-womb life and apparently thinks them delectable. Alas, I have only been able to visit her once--and alas thricefold, I have yet to hold her since I have a cold--but what a visit it was.

The absolute highlight was watching my little brother Dan hold her. My dear readers who are unfamiliar with Dan should know that he's usually extremely reserved when it comes to people and situations he's not completely familiar with, so we weren't sure exactly how he was going to react to this sort of red, squishy, drooly thing his family was making him hold (considering a new baby is both persons and situations unfamiliar to him). Dan sat in hospital chair that completely dwarfed him, and Dad arranged JuJu carefully in his skinny arms, and Dan sat for about fifteen minutes with a huge grin on his face just giggling.

New favorite memory? I think so. I've taken to just reflecting on it in my spare time to make me smile.

Julia is three days old, and these are the things I know about her so far:
  • I want my particular special nickname for her to be Jooj.
  • At this point she seems to take after both her parents equally--she's pretty fat (nine pounds! that would be Michael, he was a fat baby), and also tall (21 inches, if I remember correctly, which is all Sarah because Smiths are short). As of yet her face is still working on being unsquishy, so it's hard to tell whether she looks more like a Smith or a Sharp.
  • As I have mentioned, she thinks her fingers are delicious.
  • She's a genius, as evidenced by the fact that she pooped on Uncle Sean.
  • According to the pictures taken of her, she sleeps all the time (as evidenced below--picture courtesy of my sister-in-law's facebook). Clearly Mike's daughter.
  • She, who was once the single most anticipated baby on the planet, will now be the single most loved baby on the planet (at least until Michelle and Alex get down to business; then it will probably start being a tie).
I love my little niece so much. I can't wait to visit her again. I also can't wait til I don't have a cold, so I can get started on those extra holding rights.

6.18.2010

Nondescript Monosyllables

You may have noticed that I haven't blogged anything interesting recently, or blogged anything at all, nor have I started my sparkley super amazing pixie blog for writing. Aren't you clever.

Unfortunately, Constantine--the Laptop, for all you n00bs (aka, non-family members) out there--suffered a bit of an accident. Actually it was more like a direct attempt on his life, executed by an old Nintendo DS. Clearly embittered by its looming obsolescence, the chunky console got the drop on Con while was chilling out on my carpet--the jealous blighter. Constantine is still technically functional, but his screen is a bit shattered, in an LCD way.

I've been free-loading off of my mother's and sister Shannon's laptops for necessities--like e-mailing, Facebook, and watching Doctor Who on Netflix Insta-Play--but for something that requires extensive, intense, personal time such as writing, obviously other persons' laptops aren't going to be available and/or useful. Shannon uses her's a lot, and mother's is super tiny. Very, very small. Trying to type on it for more than about an hour or two every week is like begging for carpel tunnel syndrome and chronic claw-hands. And I won't get into details because this is a G-rated blog and I intend to keep it that way, but the house computer is my arch-nemesis and therefor not an option either.

What this means for you, dear reader, is that the whole writing blog thing will be a bit of time. I need to figure out how/where to get my screen replaced, and to do that I'm going to have to find someone to discuss my problem with who's more interested in telling me how much that will cost, not trying to sell me on the latest super special awesome deal on Dell laptops including their two year, $150 service plan complete with a new cord every year. Yeah, Staples guy; I wasn't even there and I saw right through you, so don't think you sold my mother on the idea either.

So I thought I'd let you know. In case you were wondering. I can hear my one fan weeping in the distance--it's gratifying.

If anyone knows how to replace a laptop screen, or knows about anything related to that, like where to get one cheap, you'll probably be my new favorite person. I'll find a cute/funny picture on the internet and post it on this blog for you.

Who can resist such incentive?

6.01.2010

My Heart is a Bird that was Just Approached by Another Bird that Didn't Know Her but Still was Super Nice and Said "Hey, Nice Shirt!"

In other words, my heart is super duper gratified. Gratified seems inadequate, but I can't think of a better word. I'm super duper excited right now, because I just got my first:

STRANGER COMMENT

Huzzah! Ashley Cail gave me a lovely comment on my last post with lots of good ideas on how to brainstorm writing ideas. Honestly, I'd probably still be really thrilled if she had left a comment to the effect of "You smell. Stop contaminating the Internet with your gross boring posts, you Smelly McSmellpants", but I digress. My heart is full of fuzzies for her right now. Ashley, you officially beat out Jeremy Wade as my favorite person that I don't know right now. Admittedly, that list is usually totally dependent upon what I happen to be reading or watching on television. But you could be on top for at least...three days! I wish I had something nice to give you...Do you like ladybugs? Do you like dinosaurs? This picture moderately relates to those questions:

See, it's a patchwork dinosaur trying to eat the ladybug...he's probably just curious and will spit it out right away when he realizes it tastes yucky, and then the ladybug will fly away (it won't even have to wait for its wings to dry, because see the dinosaur is just full of cotton and the love of children, so it doesn't have spit). How's that?

Anywhoosie, I'm pretty positive that I'll be starting that writing blog. Thanks to you all who commented with advice/encouragement--I'm so grateful I have friends like you. Now, the remaining two questions in my mind are: should I make it private or no? And how am I going to make it pretty?

Pretty blogs are very important to me. I really like pretty blogs. I'd like my writing blog to be pretty; this way, when I write a really crappy post, I can dazzle people's attention with the snazzy design of my blog and then they won't notice that the post they're reading is made of ugliness. "What pizazz! I'm bookmarking this blog, definitely."

Oh, one more question: judging from your comments, most of you seem to be under the impression that one dimension of this writing blog is to put myself out there, so to speak. That isn't my intention--I'm really only interested in the exercise--but I'm wondering if you really think that's what will happen?

5.25.2010

Since I Never Claimed to be a Nonconformist....

So, I've been thinking.I've been a very bad writer for the past yea months, in that I've hardly written anything at all. The problem is, I haven't really written consistently for about a year now, maybe more. Which means I'm rusty, which means everything I write is so inadequate and dull even I notice. Which means that I stop writing whenever I start (who doesn't know the frustration of trying to continue with something you're doing horribly at?). Which means I get more unpracticed. Which means I get more dreadful, which means I get more frustrated, which means I get more unpracticed, and so on.

Well, it's summer (for me, anyhow) now, so I want to break free from this rut. And I know how to do it--I have to knuckle down and start writing crap and just keep at it until it looks less ugly--but it's the actual carrying out of the solution that always stops me. Therefor, I'm toying with the idea of committing to write something--a sentence, a paragraph, a scene--just something creative every day (as much as is possible, because there's always vacations and Youthcamp and days where I'm just weak). Following that vein of thought, I'm toying with the idea of following in the footsteps of basically every creative friend I have and starting a writing blog.If I did start one, I'd be open--nay, rabid--for suggestions and prompts on what to write on, because I really can't just pull ideas out of my couch cushions. I'm also thinking I'd at least loosely use that "100 Themes" list that seems to be so super popular around the cybersphere these days as a potential framework for the project.

The process of thinking through this idea is extremely back-and-forth in my mind.On the one hand, having a blog that other people (potentially) would read might keep me more accountable than I would by my onesy; on the other hand, it may just mean that I have more people to throw pitchforks and full wine bottles at me during those long gaps of weakness and lack-of-posting than just my own brain. On the one hand, it would help me if I had people reading and critiquing my work as I went along so I could continue to improve; on the other hand, my creative psyche quails at the thought of subjecting you poor readers to some of the melodramatic, inane space-waste I have been known to and most likely will produce. On the one hand, the vain side of me has grand dreams of complete strangers reading my blog and thinking I'm the next...Marcus Zusak, and lavishing me with praise and book deals; on the other hand, the more practical side of me knows that will never happen and it's more likely that if it's read by strangers at all they'll glance over it, never read it again, and forget they ever heard of me; and then there's also my paranoid side that wants to make it sacrosanct so no one evil will steal my brilliant ideas; so the vain side and the paranoid side are at war and neither of them are speaking to the practical side because she's against both of them and is just mean to suggest that someone would think my literary prowess is less than the level of a god-Shakespeare.

You may be telling yourself I'm over-thinking this. If you are, are you surprised? You shouldn't be.

Thoughts? And I mean complete, helpful thoughts on the whole subject entirely, not just "Gawsh I love reading your stuff!" Don't just tell me to do it because you want me to write more (Ben). This isn't exclusively about me writing more.

[You'll notice I've broke the lovely repetitive format of my post titles. It's my blog, I can do whatever I want.]

5.21.2010

Back to Real Life--This is Probably Anticlimactic

After spending--oh my word, four months? I spent four months of my life that involved in the Twilight Saga?! I'm not certain of how I should feel about this. Should I be proud of my dedication to the cause of thorough, educated analysis? Should I be apathetic since it really doesn't matter all that much? Should I be horrified that I dedicated that much time and energy and witticism into something that in the long run probably matters less than Paris Hilton's autobiography?

I think yes.

But I'm digressing from the point...what I meant to start out with was:

After spending four months (guh) blogging (oh my, I'm blogging. I'm a blogger. I feel like I should know more about this world with a title) about the Twilight Saga, I feel like going back to my normal blogging--aka, "Have you ever pondered Mondays"--is even less adequate than it was before. And it helps very little that I just read over some older posts and am now wondering why on earth anyone bothers to read this. I'm so puzzled--this stuff is boring. I think there's something wrong with you people. Of course, I'm going to keep writing anyway, because I'm far too fond of Archives to just abandon him now, but I really do look at you all askance for reading. Truly.

I think I should carry a tape-recorder around with me everywhere I go, and this is why: in the past week, I've been legitimately (marginally) preoccupied with what I would post now that I'm done with Twilight forever. Every once and a while something would happen, something epic, or funny, or that just made me happy, and I tucked in away in my brain as "Blogging ideas." But the problem I face now is, since they already happened (and just ages ago, too) I really don't feel like mustering the narrative prowess it takes to retell things so they sound as awesome and cool as they were the first time. However, if I had a tape-recorder, then I could just narrate them in the moment, with dialogue peppered with witticism and emotional language inspired by my feelings for the moment at that time. In the moment. Because usually about a day after I meet the moment I get bored of the moment, and to each other we become one of those weird acquaintances that one smiles and waves at as they pass but at the same time tries to look extremely busy and destination-bound so that one doesn't have to stop and actually make conversation.

(I have a few people in my life under that category. I'm rightfully ashamed of my lack of gumption and social dexterity.)

What was the point of that paragraph? I think it was to say that if I had a tape recorder I could narrate said event while I was still excited about it and then in effect dictate it to myself later. I think that was it.

So biggest news in Meagan's life to date is that her poor fish are starving! I just realized neglecting this blog means neglecting to give love and tender care to the pixelated koi pond and it's adorable denizens! I'm a horrible parent...Remington, Steiny, Alphonse, Earl, Fitz--forgive me.

Oh yes, I'm also on summer break. Which is extremely nice for me, but probably not the most awesome for you, since that means right now I'm determinedly doing literally nothing. Well, I am going through Les Miserables; I think that's pretty epic of me if I do say so myself. But other than that, you probably don't want to hear about it.

I smell like an Icee right now. And now I want an Icee.

Things I am looking forward to:

  • Prince of Persia and Eclipse because they both look hilarious.
  • The return of Psych--Season 4!.
  • Seeing the Leaches again (soon, soon, please be soon!).
  • Getting together with Hannah (aha! You didn't think I was thinking about it, did you? Well I was).
  • Getting to meet my niece, Julia Mae Smith, in July! [it's special. It gets special formatting]
Mbye!

4.10.2010

The Twilight Experiment--The Final Final Review

[If you've felt in any way bashed upon, hurt, angered, or annoyed at any point during this long series of The Twilight Experiment, please read my address to the bulldozed masses.]

At last it is the long overdue Final Final Review of the infamous Twilight Saga. I honestly have no idea why you had to wait so long for this, dear reader. I'd like to be done with it just as much as you...maybe. It's been a long journey. One that has felt even longer--oh, Smeyer. But I've waited so long, and have so little left to say, that this will probably end up seeming anti-climactic to you.

I think I'll do this quick, like pulling off a band-aid.

The Final Final Review: I could spend hours upon hours simply nitpicking this series (as some of you probably have already experienced. Apologies). However, I won't--for which I'd like a reward please and thank you. But I will say that the fact that I can spend hours nitpicking a published book is a strong indicator that Smeyer left out a very important part of her writing process, that being peer review. Speaking from a writer's perspective for a moment here: I have written some truly dreadful things. It's not impossible for an author to treat a horrible, cliched, melodramatic, just-plain-stupid, idea like their shining, sweet, angel brain child; in fact, it's all too easy. However, what saves your authorly life in these moments are two things: putting down your work and coming back to it many months later when you've forgotten just how brilliant you think it is (this process usually reveals some very embarrassing things in the cold, unforgiving light of day), and getting others whose opinions you greatly value to look over your work. A good friend will be able to shed logicality and practical...ness into your passion-sodden piece of inspiration, shedding light onto areas of weakness that you probably never would have seen yourself. Most importantly, they are able to catch plotholes, errors in logic and factual evidence, and just tiny awkward things that could besmirch an otherwise respectable manuscript.

Smeyer, clearly, did not go through this process. Putting aside the fact that she herself wrote such a large amount of sheer grammatical, factual, and logical errors into her books for a moment--did no one think to point just one of these things? Did she have no friend willing to say, "Well Stephanie, see if you're going to get scientific to explain how Bella could possibly be having a baby, you're going to have to also explain why all of the natural processes of Edward's body have stopped except the reproductive ones."

I just can't fathom how it can be that sloppy and be published. A manuscript goes through legions of editors and proofreaders, and this is the final product?

That is my last block rant, I promise.

(Probably)

Pros of the Twilight Saga:
  •  Jacob Black--for the entirety of Twilight and the first five chapters or so of New Moon. He's a genuinely likable character; a cute, cheerful, little fifteen-year-old (although there's something wrong with him if he likes Bella that much).
  • Jasper--because he hardly ever talks, and when he does it's just to be a badapple.
  • The histories--Smeyer did indeed create fairly involved histories for each vampire character, that are really interesting. So no matter what else happens, you'll be engaged for the equivalent of about two chapters of the Saga.
  • The Volturi--really good concept--the execution of the concept didn't quite live up to its potential, but they were cool nonetheless (too bad they never actually got to use that coolness in BATTLE)
  • (To connect with above) Basically every other vampire except the Cullens--those being the ones introduced in the last dozen chapters of Breaking Dawn. I don't know what it is--maybe Smeyer's talent lies in giving characters the illusion of unseen depth before she goes into detail about them (thus revealing them to be flat and unlikable)--but the vampires that gather to defend the Cullens against the Volture in the last book both intrigue intrigue and please me.*
 (Overall) Cons of the Twilight Saga:
  • Jacob--from the rest of New Moon onward. After he turns into a werewolf he becomes your normal, annoying, angst-ridden supernatural teen; all sullen and tortured about his lot in life. He's also kind of a skeeze, and full of himself.
  • Bella--is a poorly done main character. She's really a just plain unlikable main character, and pretty much static even though the Saga takes place over almost three years of her life; her states of being change, but not her character. And there are little to no transitions between the changes in her states of being (much like this paragraph and the transitions between its ideas). She goes from not knowing who Edward is to being completely in love, with him with no real catalyst; she goes from ignorance of vampires to complete acceptance of the concept, with no time of processing or shock; she goes from not caring about her human friends to--never caring about her human friends. And she treats her parents like children, which just plain ticks me off.
  • The only "cool" (and good-looking) characters in the Saga are Bella and the supernatural creatures surrounding her. Honestly, if I was one of Smeyer's friends I'd be worried about the way she feels about the human race.
  • Her climaxes--they fall pitifully short. The most exciting of these was the climax for Twilight--which wasn't very impressive to begin with. Smeyer constantly writes as if she's leading up to something big and potentially eye-popping, but always fails in the follow-through. Yes, I am still bitterly, bitterly disappointed in the Breaking Dawn climax.
  • Stephanie Meyers is Bella. And you can tell; I don't know about you, but pretension like this never fails to irritate me greatly in novels (I have the same problem with the Inheritance series). But if I were Smeyer's husband, I'd feel a bit self-conscious.
  • Edward--is not romantic, is not sweet, is not an old-fashioned gentleman--he is an overly controlling, emotionless stalker.
  • Description--is gratuitous in the places it shouldn't be (Smeyer never stops eloquently describing Edward's beauty and Jacob's body. Never.), and underdone in the places it should be eloquent.
  • Small typos, plotholes, and logical fallacies that alone probably wouldn't matter very much but add up--believe me.
You can do the math and come to your own conclusion about reading them.
    *Honestly, if a better writer wrote an expanded universe about some of those side characters' lives, I might consider checking them out.

    The Biggest Con:

    I've separated it because I feel it's the most important; everything I've pointed out above, for the most part, is arguably a matter of opinion. This particular issue I have with the Saga, however,  is something that I'll stand by no matter what, because I think it's important that people be aware of it.

    The most important problem I have with the Twilight Saga is its message. In a nutshell, the message of Twilight is that you can't be happy unless you have a significant other--and that once you have someone who loves you, whom you love (because everyone loves Bella but it's only Edward who has the privilege of being loved by her), everything in your life will be perfect. And I do not exaggerate when I say perfect--after Bella marries Edward, at the end of the Saga, what she has is Stephanie Meyers' version of a perfect life--she has a picturesque, fairy tale cottage for a home, eternity with the man of her dreams, who is the most beautiful creature imaginable (which we can never forget), a beautiful, well-behaved little girl that she doesn't even have to bother training, she's inhumanly gorgeous herself, and she gets her own personal stylist. This end basically sums up what's woven throughout the entire story; the only time Bella is ever truly content is when she and Edward can be together. And she gets everything she's ever wanted through no effort on her own part aside from continually loving Edward.

    Not only is this tedious to read about, but I feel for younger readers--and Twilight readers are getting progressively younger--it can be a downright dangerous idea. It's never explicitly stated, but always subtly implied. The focus and truly important things in the book are all shallow, brief, tenuous values.

    -----

    Well, that's it for The Twilight Experiment, dear reader. Now hopefully I, and you if you wish, can go back to forgetting the Twilight Saga even exists.

    I think I'll go read Dracula now.....

    (Picture was paired with this post solely for the purpose of having something interesting to look at when I link this on Facebook. I'm not ashamed to admit it.)

    ----

    Wow. That wasn't quick at all.

      The Twilight Experiment--A Brief Aside to Twilight Fans

      Dear Reader Who In Any Way Enjoys Twilight,

      I know I've been considerably harsh to this Saga. So I think it important to note: the things that I say about Twilight and the way that I feel about it in absolutely no way applies to you. I wish to make it abundantly clear that all Twilight Experiment posts are my--small, fallible, human, slanted--opinion. And that my view of this book series in no way reflects the way I feel about anyone who should happen to enjoy them. I do not think the less of you, I will not browbeat or otherwise abuse you, and I don't spend my spare time thinking about what silly fangirls (or boys) you all are. I might, if we should ever happen to engage in dialogue regarding Twilight, attempt to (passionately) bring you around to my way of thinking, but at worst that will only be me debate-mongering, I solemnly promise.

      That being said, I strongly suggest--nay, implore--that if at any point during this journey of analysis you have felt remotely irritated or offended, ignore everything I say. And if someday we do engage in dialogue regarding Twilight and you feel the same inklings of doubt or annoyance during my impassioned persuasion, please feel released and, indeed, obligated to slap me across the face and walk away.

      Your servant,
      The Writer

      3.01.2010

      An Anecdote--Interruption of the Flow

      So, I know I'm supposed to be writing the final review of the Twilight Saga, but it's taking a while so I thought I'd favor you with a humorous anecdote from life. Mine, specifically.

      My creative processes need a little more discipline added to them. This fact was cemented in my mind after hour three of trying to write a short story due today last night. You, dear reader, may have some words about my grasp on the obvious, but I have to say: don't try to write a story the day before you have to hand it in. It's just a miserable experience.

      Anyway I know that now.

      Around ten all creative juices dried into acid. Around eleven the temptation to type "the last thing he saw was the barrel of a gun pointed at his head" was stronger than it ever has been in my life. Around twelve thirty I was done and disgusted (it's really quite extraordinary the amount of self-loathing one can muster during a creative endeavor. Just ask my sister).

      Around one, I was dozing over the keyboard while trying to get the family printer to spit out twenty five copies. Cue noticing a huge typing error. Meagan cancels print job, fixes error, resumes printing. Cue black ink trickling to nil. Meagan cancels the print job, changes all text to blue instead of black, resumes printing. Cue printer printing at the speed of one page per five minutes.

      You should be admiring my perseverance at this point--even though it had morphed into more of a one-track, zombie-like "Must get done....must get done..." compulsion. But eventually, the practical part of my mind concluded, "This is dumb." Meagan cancels print job for the final time, making satisfactory plans to print the rest out at school.

      So of course, I need to bring a stapler to staple them all together before I hand them out, and logically I should check to make sure I have enough staplers because it would just be in keeping with the whole process if I got to school in the morning and discovered I was stuck with a stapleless stapler. Naturally this leads to prying open the forty-year-old stapler, and after finding satisfaction in the number of staples therein, wrestling the decrepit tool closed.

      Protestingly it finally snapped shut, and the action was accompanied by a stranger sensation in my finger. Curiously, I glance down at the digit, only to be met with the sight of a staple in my finger.

      Before you stop reading, dear reader, I will add that it didn't hook. A fortuitous circumstance. But I still found myself with an old metal staple dug a good half-inch into my finger at one-thirty in the morning. Through my fuzzy brain (that I'm pretty sure was trying to thrust me into an out-of-body experience), I stared at the skewered appendage blankly. Reason compelled me to remove it, which I did, and then immediately worked my frayed mind to think who I could talk to about the experience at this time of night.

      How very telling.

      After this, I put a band-aid on it, scraped up enough incredulity to spout some profanities (shameful of me; I'm glad everyone was asleep), and went to bed.

      And this morning I typed up a completely different short story, that I despise slightly less, and am now minutes away from turning it in.

      I'm not sure what's wrong with me, but something definitely is.

      2.09.2010

      The Twilight Experiment--Breaking Dawn, Chapters Somthing-End and The Final Review

      Well, Breaking Dawn, while possessing a distinct dream-like quality (and I mean that in the literal sense of dreams, not the "never in my wildest dreams!" sense of dreams), is definitely not one of my dreams because even in my dreaming mind I would never deprive readers of a good, wholesome vampire showdown. Clearly I have wandered into the dreaming mind of someone else, because I would never subject myself to such a travesty. What I'm trying to say is this: there was no fight.


      About twenty-four vampires aside from the Cullens assembled from all around the globe over a one month period, most with their own unique, kick-awesome power--Egyptian Benjamin controls the elements, Irish Maggie can tell when someone's lying, Amazon Zafrina can create visual illusions. The Twilight Dracula and his twin brother (called Vladimir and Stefan) who are a million years old came from Romania for the sole purpose of seeing the Volturi fall (ancient grudges, you know). Alice and Jasper disappear mysteriously, making them all think that Alice saw that if it came to a fight they would all die, but they all gear up for war anyway. Bella learns how to fight. Bella finds out her superpower is a concentrated version of the protection she had when she was a human--a shield against any vampire power that has to do with the mind.


      (Side note: the reason Jasper's, and for that matter Alice's, powers worked on Bella was because they worked on her body, not her mind. So it actually wasn't a plothole, in the end; Smeyer merely took  until the end of Eclipse to have anyone even ask about it. Not a plothole, just poor planning.)


      Bella learns she can extend that shield to other people. Bella trains. They all train, and prepare, and plan, and gather.


      And the Volturi come, in a force of about thirty vampires, and a crapload of other non-Volturi vampires to witness and spread the word afterwards (for the sake of the Volturi name, you see). And it's clear that the Volturi aren't truly concerned that the Cullens have broken the law about immortal children--even when they are able to convince them that Renesmee is half-human, they are obviously still looking for a reason simply to take the Cullens down. The Volturi are hoping to not only eliminate a powerful vampire coven that could pose a threat to them, but also to collect a few vampires to their side with extra-special powers, like Bella and Edward (yeah. Everybody wants them). They're about to come to massive blows over whether or not Renesmee should be allowed to live, since the Volturi say there's no way to predict how she'll turn out as she grows older, and she could expose them. Everything's nailbitingly tense.


      And then wonderful Alice comes back with a one-hundred-and-fifty-year-old half-vampire, half-human boy who still looks about nineteen, and they prove that Renesmee will prove no threat, now or ever. And so the Volturi, intimidated by Bella's new power, and without an excuse to continue and keep their reputation untarnished. And so they leave.


      Two chapters. Two entire, Stephenie Meyer-sized chapters of intense, suspenseful rising conflict, speeches and debates and waiting and more debating and subterfuge and deviousness. And it ends in: "Well, I guess we'll go home now. Toodle-loo!"


      In case it hasn't penetrated, let me simplify the situation a bit: an army of evil vampires masquerading as judges and lawmen organize a force against the Cullens and their friends for the sole purpose of getting the talents that they covet and obliterating all others. And the Cullens just let them go. Words fail me.


      Everyone goes home, Alice explains it was all part of the plan, the contingency plans Bella made to get Jacob and Renesmee far far away in case she died are totally unimportant, and all is right with the world. Bedward returns to their perfect fairy tale cottage with their perfect beautiful daughter to spend the night together not-sleeping. The end.


      I wanted to throw the book. By God's providence I was in class, and thusly was prevented from having to spend money on a hardcover edition of the newest teenage craze in a moment of rash fury. This is how she decided she wanted the climax of climaxes to go? The series finale? The final act, the last word? Ten chapters of preparation, two chapters of rising suspense, three pages of climax, an unSmeyerly short chapter of wrap up, and the lights dim?


      Did you have a stroke, Smeyer?!


      The Final Review:

      Breaking Dawn...I struggle to find words to express exactly what reading this book was like. Most of it was like a dream, as I've said before. Some of it was normal--pretty decent actually. The wedding (aside from being under-detailed from a girl's perspective) was good. The interim period between when Bella becomes a vampire and the actual climax starts was decent. So all in all, story-wise, there's about....maybe ten chapters I would say aren't a waste of time to read.

      Unfortunately, the book itself is about seven-hundred pages.

      As far as the writing goes, Smeyer did finally manage to crawl up to the level of what I would call "decent." Nothing extraordinary, but she's consistent and passable in Breaking Dawn. Her worst habits are still apparent, but not rampant. Looking purely at her writing, straight, leaving out creativity, plot-development, and character-development, I would put her on the same level in my estimation as Eoin Colfer, Rick Riordan, and Cinda Williams Chima.

      The thing that separates them, though, is the the above-mentioned authors are in varying degrees worlds ahead of Smeyer in imagination.

      So overall, the improvement in the writing doesn't manage to make of for the continued decline of creativity, artistry, and plot. I wouldn't recommend Breaking Dawn to anyone who doesn't want to be psychologically battered.

      Next time: the Final Final Review/Airing of Grievances I Might Have Forgotten! Don't miss it--same Twilight time, same Twilight channel.

      2.06.2010

      The Twilight Experiment--Breaking Dawn, Chapters 16-Do you really care anymore? It's Bella's point of view again, okay

      Dear reader, I have an actual viable scientific explanation for a minor aspect of the saga that has been bothering me for quite some time. Throughout all four books, every time Edward's face is anywhere near Bella's she can't help but mention something about his "sweet breath." The reasons for my vexation at these term was two-fold--number one, again, Bella, we understand, his breath smells real good, kindly stop reiterating; number two, nobody not even vampires (especially not vampires considering their diet and the fact that everything in their mouths, as with everything in their entire bodies, is totally static and therefor completely stagnant), has great smelling breath all the time. I would argue I've never met anyone who has great smelling breath--apart from breath mints and gum and toothpaste all within a four hour time window--at all.

      But, due to a scientific discussion I listened to last night at CCF, I have come up with a plausible explanation. The subject was diabetes. I don't remember the entire process of how this happens, because it involves a lot of big words; however, as you might know, dear reader, when a diabetic is low on insulin (I believe), it means their body isn't absorbing the sugar therein, and therefor there's all this sugar floating around in your body. The result of this, if it gets to high levels, is that basically everything gets sugary--for example, your breath smells sweet.

      So, Edward could have been on the brink of a diabetic coma right before he was bitten! It would explain everything!

      Yes, I'm rolling my eyes, too.

      The horror does not abate in Breaking Dawn until it reaches it's gory climax in the birth of the child. The only change is that Edward discovers he can hear the babies thoughts, finds out the baby loves Bella, and is finally Team Baby. Good job, Edward. It only took you almost the entire pregnancy to start acting remotely like a father. Jacob is super mad at everyone, but can't stay away from the house even though it causes him angst and pain for some mysterious reason. So for a chapter or two there's this stasis of everyone being on board with baby except Jacob, Jacob being all angsty, the vampires and the Nice Werewolves just generally getting along, and the Mean Werewolves keeping their distance and being very little part of the story anymore.

      So naturally, while things are all peaceful, the placenta separates and the carnage resumes. The scene of the birthing is much better suited to a zombie film than a romance novel. I'll be suffering from psychological trauma for a long time I think. Suffice it to say there was blood enough to serve the most violent of anime fight scenes, and Bella basically gets ripped apart. The baby breaks her spine while it's freaking out because it's suffocating. She would have died a gurgling, horrific, painful, bloody death if Edward hadn't bit her.

      Bella is a vampire now. And blissfully happy with her super strength, and her new vampire/werewolf family, and her still-freakishly growing daughter Renesmee. Renesmee Carlie, to combine Renee and Esme and Charlie and Carlisle. I believe that's the first that I've heard of anyone borrowing the tabloids celebrity-couple-naming technique to name they're child.

      Whatever makes your cereal crackle, Bella.

      Things did get a bit dodgy when she found out that Jacob had imprinted on her infant child during her interim dying period. But they shook hands and made up. Yes, Smeyer is at it again with the pedophilia. I don't really care if he'll only behave as the most devoted older brother ever until she's legal, cosmic betrothals to girls seventeen years younger than you is not on the level.

      I'd like to address the particular issue of Bella fitting so very perfectly into her entirely new lifestyle. Upon first overview it seems pretty harmless--I mean, it's nice, isn't it, for someone to actually be happy in the life they've chosen for themselves. My issue is how Smeyer particularly emphasizes exactly how much better Bella's new life is from the old--she's very purposeful in making it clear that everything that wasn't quite perfect before is obliterated after Bella gets married and becomes a vampire. All complications in her and Edward's relationship are non-existent; she's no longer absurdly clumsy, but graceful, strong, and agile to the nth degree; she's inhumanly beautiful; she has her own personal stylist (because Alice loves dressing people); she has her own cottage that suits her taste exactly and doesn't have so much as a drippy faucet; she has a beautiful daughter, who's growing at the rate of about a year per month, and thusly isn't troubled by the messy child-rearing nuisances such as weaning, teething, sleep-schedules, training, potty-training, education, and the like; she's amazingly self-controlled for a new vampire and therefor is troubled very little by things like bloodlust and not knowing the extent of her own strength; and she even gets to keep Charlie as a part of her life. If you (I'm speaking, I think, mostly to my dear female readers specifically--or maybe just my female readers who think like me) took everything you ever wished for in your most disconsolate moments and wildest dreams--"Ugh, I have no idea what to wear. I wish I just had a personal stylist to make me look fabulous." "I can't explain myself right to anyone--I wish I could just be with someone who understood me perfectly." "If I could live anywhere, it would be Wendy's house in Peter Pan."--and actually got it, that would be Bella Cullen's life right now. In short, her life now is finally, literally perfect (from a general standpoint--I personally am looking forward to snotty noses and teaching my kid to read).

      First of all, no one's life is anywhere close to that perfect. She has literally zero conflict in her life, no more tiny things to argue about, life is blissful and harmonious--the conflict that is arising (which I'll get to soon) is from a completely outside source.

      Secondly, can we examine for a moment exactly what message Smeyer is sending her readers--primarily teenage girls, mind--through choosing to portray Bella's life this way? Let us delve into the psyche of your average Twilight fan (come now, don't be such a baby); we'll call her Mallory. Mallory is a fifteen-year-old, who loves Twilight because of the deeply personal way in which she relates to Bella Swan. They're both highschool students, and Bella goes through the same angsty problems that Mallory does; Mallory understands Bella. And finally, Bella's life is getting better, and her problems are fixed--by becoming a vampire. That's the message: if you're not content in your life right now, that's probably because you actually belong in a totally different life! What kind of message is that to feed Mallory?! And it's all veiled in this fluffy marshmallow dream of a perfect life surrounded by beautiful things and people who love you.

      This is wrong.

      Positive: there's a very cool, fascinating, macabre vampire history lesson in Breaking Dawn about a time in vampire history where there were what was called the immortal children. If you can't guess, that's a period of time where vampires were turning children, barely older than infants, into vampires (since vampires themselves can't reproduce). The problem was that since the immortal children didn't grow, they could never be taught to control themselves or their bloodlust, so there was a huge danger of vampire exposure. So the Volturi (you remember them--the vampire Mafia/Lawmen) wiped them all out, and forbade the making of immortal children ever again. And now, a vampire saw Reneesme from afar and thought she was an immortal child, so the Volturi are all coming--literally all--to wipe the Cullens out for being dirty lawbreakers. Dire straights indeed!

      I've noticed the things I really like about Twilight are usually subplots or back stories involving vampires actually acting something like vampires--carnage and slaughter and turning children and being soulless and such.

      Side note: it's officially confirmed that it's scientifically impossible for Bella and Edward to have reproduced. Normally I wouldn't quibble about science when it comes to the undead, but since Smeyer decided to bring science into her explanation I can only point out that her attempt to make realistic sense of the situation is neither realistic nor sensical.

      2.01.2010

      The Twilight Experiment--Breaking Dawn, Chapters 1-15

      I'm going to have nightmares.

      Someone, please, please tell me when the book in my hand transmorgaphied from part of a popular teenage vampire romance saga into a Gothic horror psychodrama. I have no idea how this happened. The wedding was fine. The wedding was normal. The wedding was Twilight: Bella being unutterably blase to the point where you wonder if she can actually have a soul and still be so apathetic about the fact that she's getting married; Bella realizing as she walks down the aisle (better late than never) that hm, wait, wedded bliss applies here; joy, glory flowers; Jacob--fight; off to our honeymoon!

      And then of course, I felt deceived again, because though it's true that Smeyer doesn't actually write in-the-moment honeymoon activity descriptions, she is more-than relishing being as eloquent as possible with the before and after. Which is quite sufficient for me to wish I could un-read that. Also, Bedward honeymoon on the Cullens own private island. Really? My Suspension of Disbelief threw her hands up in despair and left to make herself a panini (yeah, my SOD has a panini maker and I don't. I'm jealous too.)

      And yet...and yet...that now seems comparatively small after getting this far. Around the end of chapter 7 marks the entire world of Twilight turning on it's side (as if it wasn't hard enough to deal with right-side-up).

      Bella is pregnant. I will overlook the fact that while I don't know a lot of biology, I'm pretty sure that since Edward is technically dead all his bodily human processes have completely halted (like his heart beating, etc.) and therefor really shouldn't...be able...to do that...

      Anyway.

      Bella figures out she's pregnant about two weeks or something after they first, ahem, conceive, and is already showing common pregnancy symptoms (morning sickness, cravings, tiredness) and a bump. So basically the baby's growing at a rate of like one week per day. By the end of a month Bella is heavily pregnant and dying because the baby is sucking the life out of her and making her body reject any and all nourishment--she's literally starving to death. To top if off the baby is so strong that she has bruises all over her belly, and at one point it breaks a rib.

      Do you want to know what's really wrong? Edward's immediate reaction to learning Bella was pregnant, before he even knew Bella was in any real danger whatsoever, was as follows:

      "'We're going to get that thing out of you...'"

      That was his first thought upon hearing that he was going to have a child. And the thought doesn't change; not when Bella decides to keep the baby, not when he realizes how much it means to her, not ever. I know that the relationship between a husband and wife is a singular, exclusive, binding one, but it's not supposed to be to the exclusion of all other life.


      And the solution to getting Bella to actually get nutrients: she has to drink human blood the Cullens had in case she got bad enough to need transfusions, because they figure out that's what the baby wants and the reason it won't let her take in anything else.


      The whole situation is just disgusting and repulsive and wrong from every angle. On the one hand, Bella has a parasitical monster incubating inside her; on the other hand, it's a baby and the first thought on the majority of everyone's minds is to get rid of it. The only people on Bella's side are Esme, Carlisle (because Esme is), and Rosalie--and Rosalie only because she's always wanted babies, and since vampires can't conceive she's all set for Bella to kick the bucket and take the baby herself! Oh yes, and Edward convinces Jacob to offer to whore himself--basically tell her "If you want babies that much let me offer my services to give you a few totally healthy ones"--in an effort to once again try to get Bella to get rid of the baby. Which he does. Let us skip over the sick immorality of this idea, since it's just painfully obvious and really goes without saying; can you imagine what kind of a psychological impact that arrangement would have on the resulting children? "Yeah...I'm alive because my mom got rid of my older sibling, and my real dad's nonexistent 'cept for when Mom's feeling amorous, and my stand-in dad is totally apathetic to my existence because he only cares about my mom." That is just a lovely family arrangement, yes?


      People, it's not just one life you have to consider here! Can we all stop taking crazy pills and consider that there are two people in danger at the moment?!


      It's horrific. Terms like Rosemary's Baby and Hush come to mind. I'm pretty sure I saw an episode of Charmed like this once. 


      I literally feel like this is a dream I'm having whenever I read it. It's too weird.


      Important developments in the plot: first person point-of-view switch from Bella to Jacob. It isn't that much more interesting in the kids head; just a lot of anger and angst and "Oh Bella, you're tearing me apart when you're not even here." The werewolf pack decides to take Bella and Baby out rather than risk the danger of it being born upon hearing of Bella's pregnancy (Jacob went to see her because he was afraid she'd already been turned, and found out the whole story), and Jacob is actually rational for once and splits off from the pack because he won't attack the Cullens unprovoked or kill Bella. Eventually Seth the Baby Werewolf and Leah the Unnecessary Werewolf join him. So now there's a split in the werewolf pack and the Nice Werewolves are patrolling around the Cullens' house to protect Bella from the Mean Werewolves. 


      Also Bella's getting better because of all the blood she's drinking.


      The silver lining, I guess, is that there's a distinct pro-life message in the whole mess--however, I fervently wish that she'd picked a better medium for it. A worlds better medium. It's just so creepsauce. My hands a literally shaking from thinking about it...

      1.30.2010

      The Twilight Experiment--Eclipse, Chapters 21--Epilogue and the Final Review

      So, it only took 300 odd pages for Smeyer to get some meat on the "So then Jacob said, and then Edward was all, I was like 'Hey guys don't fight over me!'" bones of Eclipse. Better late than never? She appears to have overcompensated in the end though--there are so many instances during these last few chapters that the only thing keeping me from throwing the book straight across the room was that it wasn't mine, and the person I borrowed it from actually cares about it. And trust me when I tell you this: as far as my track record goes, the only time I've ever had the desire to actually chuck a book (and in this past instance I actually did--it was only a library book) it was because of something grossly wrong.

      (Oh, Tamora Pierce. I dislike you greatly.)

      For example:

      Bella convinces Edward to sit out from the Cullen/Indian vs. Victoria/Baby Vampires fight and stay with her in the safe place they're secreting her away to, because she doesn't want him to get hurt. Edward agrees because they're all confident that with the werewolves on their side it won't even be a contest. So they're camping out in the woods together, with a werewolf guard just in case. Who just so happens to be Jacob. And it just so happens that it snows while they're on the mountain (because mountains don't care if it's June). And it just so happens that Bella is already half vampiric in that she apparently generates less body heat than a chipmunk, and is in danger of freezing to death even though she's inside a tent away from the elements, wearing several layers, a sweater, a coat, and is snuggled in a sleeping bag made for camping in the mountains in cold weather. And it just so happens that the only solution is not for Jacob to speedily run about five miles to civilization to get her more clothes, or a snuggie, or perhaps that space-heater Edward suggested (he's sensible, for once), but for Jacob to snuggle into the (one person) sleeping bag with her to save her life with his amazing 108 degree body heat.

      Shirtless of course, because though the werewolves are in the habit of carrying around a pair of jeans to change into when they turn back into people, carrying around a whole t-shirt as well would just be a burden.

      Isn't that an extraordinary set of coincidental circumstances? You couldn't have happened upon more angst, conflict, and tortured romance if someone had planned it!

      And it doesn't stop there. Jacob leaves in the morning after a seven page conversation between Edward and Jacob that basically reiterates everything we already know about how they feel about Bella, each other, and the love "triangle" (more like love less-than sign) they're in. Edward and Bella have a romantic little talk. Jacob, who's an eavesdropping fiend, overhears that Bedward are engaged, and he's so pained by it that he lets out an agonized howl. Because knowing that the girl you love wants to be with someone else forever and eternity and knowing that the girl you love is getting married to someone else are two entirely different things, and just register on completely different emotional levels, you know?

      Anyway, Bella is so tortured by Jacob's pain she decides to stop being selfish and talks to him alone to tell him to stay away from her so he can stop torturing himself. Jacob responds just as maturely as expected: he tells Bella he'll just go make sure he dies in the afternoon's battle. She's shocked and horrified he would do such a thing. The exchange goes something like this:

      BELLA: Jacob, I've decided that it's selfish to keep hurting you like this, so I'm going to stay away from you from now on.
      JACOB: Fine then I'll just kill myself! Nyah!-dramatic music plays-
      BELLA: -falls on knees- [that's actually in there]NOOOO! I changed my mind stay here with me and don't fight at all!
      JACOB: No!
      BELLA: Yes!
      JACOB: No!
      BELLA: Please?
      JACOB: There's only one thing in the whole world that will make me not kill myself.
      BELLA: Ooooh, okay. Hey Jacob, gimme a kiss!

      (Ever notice how preoccupied people in Twilight are with being physical? The only human experience Bella wants is sex; the only thing that Jacob says is worth living for is a kiss from Bella...yeah, it doesn't really surprise me either.)

      So he does. And it's super creepy; all gaspy and gropey, and that's as far as I'll go into detail. Suffice it to say it was quite passionate.


      And then Bella, who's a genius, comes to the sudden revelation that Jacob was right all along--she does love him, as he so shamelessly and pathetically insisted! She loved both Edward and Jacob all along! She just loves Edward better!

      Oh my goodness, it's like wading through pudding the plot is so thick. What a complicated, intricate, masterful web of intrigue.

      Anyway, that particular revelation serves very little purpose other to reiterate that Bella (and Smeyer, I suppose) still can't really tell the difference between lust and true love.

      The werewolf pack as grown substantially, and there's now a girl in the pack. And it's just. So. Very. Awkward. I'm not sure if I mentioned this, but when the Pack is in werewolf form, they're minds are completely open to each other. They can hear all each others thoughts, feel all each others feelings, and all that--like the Twilight version of the Borg. Can you imagine how mortifying that is when you add a girl to that? There are things that guys just aren't supposed to know--not your father, not your brother, not your...pack-mate. Not to mention the whole business of when one changes back into a human. And to add to the situation, the girl, Leah, is a giant shrew. She's just a horrible person. So, there's literally nothing good about having her in the Pack.


      The climax to Eclipse was much less intense that I originally expected upon hearing it would be a fight between good vampires, werewolves, and evil vampires. In the end it was Edward vs. Victoria and Seth the Baby Werewolf vs. Riley the Baby Vampire, with Bella crouching fearfully in the back.Victoria and Edward are fighting so fast Bella can't see them, Riley and Seth are hitting each other around a bit....Bella contemplates cutting herself to distract the evil bloodthirsty vampires; Seth and Edward dismember Riley in about five seconds, and then Edward dismembers Victoria. And they burn them. Climax over. Victoria pretty much stayed the same one-dimensional character for the entirety of her Twilight existence. So sad.

      So after that things wind down...Jacob got hurt, but not anywhere near fatally so. That didn't stop Bella from fainting about it, but still. A couple of the Volturi show up a little later, all, "We're evil, we don't have to come help you if we don't want to" and kill the only surviving baby vampire.

      One of the things I was told about Eclipse was that Smeyer's "people" wanted her to have Bedward sleep together and she said "No way!" like a good little Mormon, and that's one good aspect of the book. I cannot agree with this assessment. The only real reason they actually haven't done the nasty yet is merely convenience in one form or another. The aforementioned first time they almost do, the only reason they don't is because Edward sees this as an opportunity to secure Bella's yes; the second time they almost do--that being in a little mountain clearing, where Edward decides Bella's doing to many things to make other people happy and he wants to spontaneously make her happy by sacrificing his virtue--the only reason they don't is because Bella is all "No, I'm trying to do all these things in a responsible organized manner, and that includes doing the nasty." Briefly, during the first exchange, it's mentioned that one of Edward's reasons is that he's clinging to his upbringing, but it's much less, "Bella, I believe it's wrong to have sex before marriage" and more "I know it's old-fashioned, but I have this quaint desire to keep your virtue intact." It's treated flippantly by both of them, like a joke. There are no moral issues brought to bear through any of the decision making--Smeyer never raises the question of "right or wrong," merely "here or there."

      The Final Review:

      Eclipse was a slow read. Most of the actual substance of the plot could probably be told in a book half the size of what it is now, and I think it would still be somewhat difficult to get through due to a complete lack of suspense. There was no point where I was asking myself "What happens next?" because if it was a mystery (which it usually wasn't) I didn't care. For the most part, the book is more a string of event than an actual cohesive plot. And the bits of it that are a natural cohesive plot are nothing extraordinary.

      The drama and intrigue within the plot are melodramatic and immature. Any and all interactions between Edward and Bella, and Jacob and Bella, remind me of my few attempts at writing romance during highschool--if you ask the very few people who were actually exposed to said writings, you'll understand that's a very bad thing. I had the excuse of being inexperienced, hormonal, and fifteen. I have yet to hear Smeyer's excuse. She shows very little understanding of the way human emotions, motivations, and psyche really work; which means the romance is painful and melodramatic, the villains are flat and lack suspense, and every other relationship Bella has in her life is unrelatable and abnormal.

      On a slightly more positive note, Smeyer has finally shown some improvement in her writing, in the technical aspect. I won't spoil the moment by focusing on the artistic aspects--suffice it to say she still has a way to go in that area, and is dismally flawed for a Literature Major. However, her sentence structure and variation is much more interesting--not to mention grammatically correct--and she's stopped being so obviously enamored with  the Word of the Week. She's finally got her p's and q's moderately in order.

      Breaking Dawn I approach with trepidation. On, ho!